Hi Little Bean: April 19 & 21, 2017

April 19, 2017

I wasn’t very good about writing to you while we were on vacation last week, and I’m so sorry about that! We had the best time on vacation, and I love knowing that you were right there with us! So you have officially been to three other countries, and I think that’s pretty dang cool.

Yesterday was a hard day. Monday night, I had a dream that I miscarried, and I couldn’t shake the thought of it all day. Then I found out that a lady I follow on instagram lost their baby six weeks into the pregnancy, and even though her pregnancy has nothing to do with ours, I turned into a big ball of anxiety. Our doctor isn’t in the office on Tuesdays, so I called the scheduling desk to see if there was any way we could go in for an ultrasound, and she couldn’t do it. I guess he has to order the ultrasound, and since he wasn’t there, he couldn’t. She understood that I was nervous, but she just kept telling me to relax, and that everything was going to be fine. And she might be right, but It’s not okay for people to say that. She has no idea that everything will be fine. Everything was supposed to be fine with Carter, and it wasn’t. She did her best to try and contact a nurse or someone that could order the ultrasound, and I appreciated that, but I didn’t like that she trivialized me being nervous.

One thing I want to talk to the doctor about today is having some sort of backup plan. Like, if something does happen on a day that he’s not in the office, what do I do? Who do I call, who do I see? And on a day they are in the office, if the nurse is too slow at responding, how else can I contact them to be seen? I feel like I’m turning into a crazy person, but I have way more anxiety than I thought I would. And at first, I thought it would go away or get better, but with each week that I know you’re in there, I get a little more attached, and that’s terrifying. I sure do love you, but you better be staying safe and healthy in there!

We will get another quick scan today before our appointment. I’m hoping they can get a better measurement, since you will be quite a bit bigger (and actually look like a baby, sorry). I have just decided to go with the first ultrasound, but I’m curious to see how you measure once they can actually measure you well. But I’m going with my gut and saying we are eleven weeks pregnant today. We love you, little babe. Be safe!

 How far along? : Eleven weeks because I’m in charge of my own destiny..
Baby is the size of: a lime! That’s like a real size!
Total weight gain/loss: I had gained two pounds when I checked on Monday, but it might still be the waffles
Sleep: not sleeping super well since we came back from vacation. I keep waking up too early!
Best moment this week: It will be at the ultrasound today.
Movement: none
Symptoms: nausea, fatigue
Food cravings: nothing super notable this week. English muffins and apple jacks have been my fave..
Food aversions: nothing really.
What I miss: having the naive pregnancy experience.
What I am looking forward to: the ultrasound/appointment this afternoon!.

April 21, 2017

Bean, bean bean!! I have so many good things to tell you right now. We had our appointment on Wednesday, and the doctor confirmed that you are indeed due on November 8th! He said the computer messed up and we really are eleven weeks this week. I’m so happy! A week from nowish, we will be a third of the way through this pregnancy, which is so crazy. I know we’ve only known about you for six weeks, but it will still be so nice to get out of the first trimester. He did another quick ultrasound on Wednesday too, and you are looking so good in there! Your heartbeat is strong, your fluids look good, and you actually look like a baby now!

I have to be honest with you, I think I’ve been trying really hard to not get attached to you. I didn’t get a super good look at you during the ultrasound, but I saw your little profile and your legs, and that wall I put up is crumbling so fast. I need you to make it here safely. We love you so much already.

Our doctor wants to do some genetic testing on you, just to make sure that everything looks good. Instead of doing an amniocentesis, now they can just draw my blood, put it in a centrifuge, and pull your dna from it. How cool is that? He said we can also find out your gender from that, and that we could do the blood draw starting at thirteen weeks. Your dad and I decided we would just do the blood draw at our next appointment in four weeks, but that we didn’t want to find out the gender until 17 weeks when we did the ultrasound. Then we went home, and I started thinking that maybe I do want to find out the gender from the test. Yesterday morning I texted a friend, and she said it took them about ten days to get their results back. So if we got the blood draw done at fifteen weeks, we still wouldn’t find out your gender until about 17 weeks. Because we saw you on the ultrasound, I got really impatient, so we decided to move the blood draw up, and find out your gender when we get the results back. We were planning to wait, just so it didn’t drag out the second half of the pregnancy, but I’m feeling ready to share you with the world, I just don’t want to do it without your gender. Also I’m getting sick of calling you “the baby” because I refuse to use the word it. I want to call you he or she!! Just a few more weeks.

This week has been super weird as far as sleep and eating go. I only sleep well between like, 6 pm and 2 am, which makes for really long days at work. And nothing sounds good to eat. I was starving Monday and Tuesday of this week, but the past couple days, I haven’t really wanted to eat anything. I need to do better about eating healthier when I do eat, but it’s so hard when literally nothing sounds good. The only thing that sounds remotely good this week is Zupas, but even then I only want a sandwich. No vegetables for me, please! Or fruit. Fruit is the worst. I try to tell myself that Costa Vida is healthy because of the lettuce, but even Costa doesn’t sound great right now. I promise I’m trying, for you!! Maybe I’ll go get a smoothie and some broccoli for lunch today. Because that sounds like fun...ha.

We love you little bean. Keep growing in there, I can’t wait until I can’t button up my pants anymore! Love you so much!