Our little Lucy bean.

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I've debated countless times whether I wanted to share the name we gave our little bean. I wrote most of this post clear back in June or July, when I was sharing all the bumpdates, but I couldn't ever decide if I waned to share it. This weekend though, after leaving her little grave marker at the cemetery, I decided that I wanted people to know how much she matters to us. We may have only had her for fifteen weeks, but she has been such a big part of our lives that it would be an injustice to not share her more.

I've mentioned in previous posts how close I felt to our little bean before we even got pregnant with her. After we lost Carter, I could feel him a little, but I could feel her more. I had this little female guardian angel that was always there when I needed comfort. One day in February, I knew I was pregnant. It was like someone had snapped their fingers and all of a sudden, I just knew. That little spirit was gone, and I knew I was pregnant with her.

After we got a positive pregnancy test, I tried really hard to convince myself that it probably wasn't a girl. Because that would be too lucky, and it also would mean that everything I had felt was real, and that I wasn't just crazy. Me being crazy was far too likely. But the day we found out we were going to lose her, we also found out she was a girl, just like I thought. It broke my heart to lose a baby we'd had for so little time, but that I knew so well.

We had planned to use Lucille as her middle name. I didn't want to use the name we had picked out because I have the distinct feeling that her spirit will be coming back to us. For whatever reason, it wasn't the right time, but eventually, it will be. I want to save her name for that time, because that's how I know her. Right after we lost Carter, I felt like I could say her name, and she was right there, waiting to bear some of my grief. Brandon and I mostly call her little bean, or just the baby or "she" or "her", but for the family's sake, we decided to call her Lucy. I knew that giving her more of an identity would help our family with their grief, and would give them a way to identify her when talking about her.

Part of the reason I'm hesitant to share this is because we have some family with a baby named Lucy, and even in my head, that name belongs to their baby. Our baby is not Lucy. Maybe someday we will get to use Lucille as her middle name, but for now, she is our little bean. I just hope that, like everything before, my instincts are correct and that we will get her again.

Feel free to call her Lucy or little bean; we will always know who you are talking about. We just appreciate you talking about her at all.

 
 

A grave marker for little bean.

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This weekend was full of so many emotions! Friday morning, I got a call from my mom saying that my brother and his wife were on the way to the hospital to deliver their baby. I waited for updates all day, but it was a slow process, so I tried to be patient! Our power went out at work that morning, so I spent the bulk of the day writing thank you's for people that have donated and/or purchased a necklace. I was running on adrenaline all day, trying to get all my things done before leaving work. That night, I worked on more thank you's, and Brandon edited a vlog. We had a nice night, just hanging out, still waiting for updates on our little nephew. Finally, at 10:43, he was born, and I officially became an aunt! And guys, he is the cutest!

Saturday morning, we woke up early to drive to Logan. We hadn't been to visit the babies in a month, so it was really nice to get up there and do some maintenance. We cleaned off the headstone, trimmed the grass around it, reorganized the toys, and made a makeshift lanyard to put the babies' pins on. The weather was perfect, and we were able to spend a lot of time with them without freezing or being too hot. It will be winter in Logan before we know it haha. Then we went to go have lunch with Brandon's parents and brother to celebrate his mom and brother's birthdays. After lunch, we ran to Hobby Lobby real quick. We had bought some football stakes to leave at the cemetery, and accidentally forgot them at home, so we just decided to buy some more and leave them that day. When we went back to leave the stakes, we decided that the lights needed to be cleaned, so we took them to Brandon's parent's house and got them looking new(ish) again! We had the birthday people open their presents, and chatted for a while, then left to go back to the cemetery one last time.

About six weeks ago, we finally ordered a grave marker for Little Bean. We spread her ashes at Carter's grave, and we wanted to get something to let people know that she is there too. The marker came just after our last visit to Logan, so for the last three weeks it has just been sitting on our counter. It was nice to finally leave it, but it also made my heart so heavy. Some things just really solidify the idea of everything we've gone through, and this was one of them. It breaks my heart to see not one, but two of our children's names in a cemetery.

Needless to say, we stopped for Aggie ice cream before driving out of town.

That night we borrowed the neighbor's dog and went for a nice, long walk. It was a little cooler than we had anticipated, but it still felt good to get out after sitting in the car all day! Brandon was up late that night editing a vlog, so we slept in Sunday morning, did laundry, got some groceries, and capped off the weekend with Costa Vida. Yesterday afternoon, before we left the house, we were able to video chat with my brother, his wife, and their new baby! We chatted for about an hour, and talked about how their last few days had been. We are so excited to go see them and meet our cute little nephew! He is the second grandbaby on my side of the family, and I know that he is going to be so spoiled. There are a few similarities between him and Carter (namely their big feet and head of hair) that pull on my heart strings and make me the happiest mama/aunt at the same time. 

All in all, it was a good weekend. Our visits to the cemetery are always tinged with sadness, but we also appreciate being able to be with our babies in whatever capacity we can.

ALSO. You guys are crushing it with Flying for Time!! We are so close to meeting our goal, so let's keep it going! Thank you so much for everything!!!

 

Where we've lived the longest!

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The cover picture for this is funny, because people always joke about living at Disneyland. I wish!!

You guys today is kind of a big deal!! As of today, Brandon and I have officially been in our house longer than we've ever lived in any other place!! We have lived in our house for 19 months and 1 week. The previous record was 19 months and 6 days haha.

We mentioned it in the vlog that went out last night, but we have moved almost every single year that we have been married. Not necessarily to a different city, but we've at least moved to a different apartment/house every year! We were in our first apartment in Logan for just under a year before moving to a different apartment about a mile away. Our first apartment was fine (it was a first apartment, you know), but the second apartment was seriously so good. It had a half bath on the main floor (two toilets is a big deal!), and just seemed so much cozier and homier than our first. We stayed in our second apartment for 19 months and 6 days before moving to Boise. In Boise, we lived with my parents for three months, then in an apartment for ten months, then in our first house for nine months, then moved to Salt Lake! And now, today, we have been here the longest!

I also mentioned this in the vlog, but it's almost weird that we have been in one place for longer than a year. Even before we were married, I was moving almost every semester. Freshman year I switched dorms halfway through, moved for the summer, was in the sorority house for sophomore year, then moved again for summer before getting married. It's so weird to feel "settled." And I don't mean that in a bad way. There are some things about our town home that I wish were different, and I really do miss our cute little Boise house, but this is home now. We have finished all the rooms in the house, have worked hard to decorate it, and have built a life here. 

A few things have helped it to really feel like home. Three days after we moved in, Brandon had to go to California for training for ten days. Literally, three days after we moved in. I spent a lot of time unpacking and trying to make the place feel like home. He had to leave again for ten days in June, and I think having him gone both of those times forced me to be comfortable where I was at, and really learn to relax in our new space. Decorating Carter's room helped it feel more like home too. We prepared to bring him home, and could see ourselves making memories with him in different parts of the house. He, even without being there, made it feel like home. After we lost him, I didn't work for three months. Staying home and thinking about Carter was nice. We weren't able to make those memories that we had anticipated, but somehow he still managed to fill each room. I had some good quality time with him, and myself during that time.

Brandon and I have grown a lot in this house, both as individuals and as a couple. We have been forced to grow in ways that I wish we hadn't, but it has all taken place in our house. Every tear, every laugh, every ounce of sadness and gratitude that we have felt have all made our house a home. 

I used to get antsy without a lot of rapid change, but I'm happy we've been in one place for this long. I love our home, and I love the people and memories that fill it.

 

Our first apartment

Our first house

 

THANK YOU!

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I promise to get some new content out soon (in all honesty, it will probably be a Disney post), but I just wanted say a quick thank you for all the support we've received since launching Flying for Time yesterday! We've already sold out of ALL necklaces!!! For those of you that are on backorder, I promise we'll get them out as soon as possible!  But we have more coming of every variety, and we just placed another order for another option that I'm really excited about. 

Not only does this project give us a place to direct our energy, but it also gives us a chance to send a little piece of our boy to people across the world. I have no doubt that, every time they look at their necklace, they will think of Carter, little bean, and all the other babies that were taken too soon. But most importantly, we are helping other families that will be handed this difficult time, and we're doing that with your help.

Thank you so much for your continued support! A friend of ours said "I'm so happy to see your project 'taking off (airplane pun).'" It was hilarious, but so true! We are so excited to see how quickly we can donate one CuddleCot. We hope we are making our boy proud as we share his story and our love for him. You guys are the best! Thank you!!

PS: There's a special little thank you video on the vlog today. Check it out our channel here.

Flying for Time

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We are SO excited to share our secret project with all of you!! We've only been working on it for a few weeks now, but I feel like I've been keeping it a secret forever. That changes now!

After a baby is born still, their skin can start to quickly deteriorate. The cooler the temperature around them, the longer their body is preserved for. When we lost Carter, exactly 46 weeks ago today, our nurse kindly offered to take him back and forth between our room and a chilled room where his body could be kept for short periods of time, to allow us more time with him. Neither Brandon nor I wanted to let him go, and we agreed that saying goodbye once would be hard enough, so we kept him in the room with us for a few hours until we decided it was time to say goodbye. 

Weeks later, as we immersed ourselves more in the loss community, we learned about the CuddleCot, a cooling pad that can be placed in a bassinet or cradle at the hospital in the same room as the parents. The CuddleCot keeps a baby's body cool, and therefore preserved longer, so that the parents can have more time without letting them out of their sight. I don't know if the hospital we were at even had a CuddleCot on hand, but it would have been nice to have, so we could have had even just a few more minutes with our boy.

We'd like to give the gift of time to other parents whose babies are gone too soon.

Flying for Time, the name of our project, has the sole purpose of providing more time to parents who already do not have enough. We will be selling airplane necklaces in remembrance of Carter, and putting the proceeds toward the purchase of a CuddleCot, which will be donated to a hospital of our choice. If necklaces aren't your thing, we will happily accept simple donations.

The cost of a CuddleCot is roughly $3,000, but you can't put a price on spending more time with your child before saying goodbye. Thank you in advance for your generosity. We, and so many parents like us, are eternally grateful.

 
 

Today is good but tomorrow is better!!

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Since our miscarriage, I have found myself just itching to do things. I have too much energy that can't be spent taking care of a baby, so we've been trying to find other things to do. We redid the office, painted the guest room furniture, worked on the blog, worked on my second novel, and still we found ourselves with too much time and energy (although not enough of either to clean the house or make dinner apparently haha). We've been working on our secret project for a couple weeks now, so that has taken up some of our time, but I'm really excited that we have found one more thing to fill our time!

One of my best friends from college does YouTube full-time with her husband. I've always told Brandon that we should do that too, but he never really was interested. Through those friends, we met another couple that live just a few houses down from us, and also lost a son last year. They have a YouTube channel as well, and introduced us to another couple that has a channel! So for the past year I've been telling Brandon that we really should do it, and he kept telling me no, but finally, last week, he decided that we could! We won't be doing it full-time, but I think it will be really nice to start documenting our lives like this. I feel like we are at a point where our life could go a lot of different directions, and I think we will appreciate having it all documented. Our first vlog is, of course, about our trip to Disney! We're still rookies, but we are excited to learn and improve! Feel free to check it out and subscribe to our channel. I'll post the video below, but here is a link to our channel!

It has been fun to see feedback on our vlog so far, but I am extremely excited about our news tomorrow! We'll be sharing it at 8:51 am (mountain time) and everything will be live on the blog at that time, so be sure to check back tomorrow to see what we've been working on!

 
 

SOMETHING SPECIAL IS COMING!!

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Brandon and I have been working on a very special project (not a baby) that we are so excited to share with you soon! It's something that is very dear to our hearts, and we're hoping to see you all back here when we announce it (which I promise, is soon). I'm going to say thank you in advance, and we'll leave you with a little peek at what's coming.

 

What we lost.

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When you lose a baby, you don't just lose the baby. 

You lose dreams and hopes, goals and milestones. Plans you once had for holidays, vacations, life in general, they are all gone. You miss out on baby snuggles, late night changings and feedings, watching them sleep. You miss out on that first smile, first steps, first words. You miss out on the phase when they begin to explore anything and everything around them, when they start to develop their own personality. You miss out on first days of school. You don't get to watch them learn how to drive, go off to college, get married, and have babies of their own.

You don't just lose out on the one moment of delivering a live baby, you lose an entire future.

There is a lot of preparation for bringing a baby home. You buy a crib and a dresser and a stroller and a carseat and a diaper bag and blankets and clothes and diapers and wipes and bottles and pacifiers and sheets and a pack n' play and toys and socks and bibs. We had all those things. We'd had lengthy discussions about how to do Disney with a baby, and how we would learn to travel differently and slow down once we had a little one with us on our trips. We had planned to go to Hawaii around Carter's first birthday. We were so excited to do Thanksgiving and Christmas at home just the three of us. I was excited for Carter's uncles and grandpas to teach him about cars and sports and bikes and music and techy things and bad jokes. I was excited for his grandmas to cover him in kisses, and become the kind of grandmas that always had new pictures and videos of their grandson to share with everyone. I couldn't wait for the cats to meet him and love him. I was excited for Brandon to be his dad, and I was excited to be his mom. 

When we lost Carter, we lost a huge piece of ourselves. We lost our naivete, our innocence, and a little bit of our joy. When we lost little bean, we lost some of our optimism. And when we lost the third pregnancy, we lost some of our hope. Maybe I shouldn't speak for Brandon on this, but those are things I've lost with each baby.

I think this is why losing a baby, or anyone that is gone too soon really, is so hard. Dying of old age is natural, and even though all the time in the world is never enough, there has at least been enough time for memories and milestones and just time together in general. We never got any of that with Carter or little bean. I'd still be pregnant with little bean, technically; we'd be about seven weeks away from meeting her. But instead, we have to try and make a lifetime of memories out of the weeks and months we had with each of them in my belly.

It's fun for us to think about what they would have been like. We don't do it so much with little bean, but we think about Carter's personality a lot. When we were at Disney World, we both agreed that Animal Kingdom would  have been his absolute favorite. I could almost picture him getting so excited at seeing all the animals. It made my heart hurt. We bought a stuffed Safari Mickey to leave in the nursery for him, because I could see him wanting that toy. I like to think that he'd be a bit of a mama's boy, and that as much as he'd want to run around and explore, he'd want me right behind him the whole time. I can see him giving Brandon a run for his money, but also wanting to chill next to dad on the couch every night. And I can see him being gentle and sweet with the cats, and them loving him right back. I don't want to idealize him or make it seem like he would have been the perfect child, but I don't call him our sweet boy for nothing. He would have been the most tender soul.

But we can only imagine those things; we'll never get to know for sure. We lost out on so many things that we were looking forward to, but we also lost out on getting to see our sweet Carter grow into the great man I know he would have been. He would have been just like Brandon, I'm sure of it. Knowing that the world missed out on getting another Brandon is a tragedy in and of itself.

Our life itself is not lost. Brandon and I still have each other, and there are still so many things we can accomplish if we are left to do life just the two of us. But from the moment we found out we were pregnant with Carter, at around 5:15 pm on March 7, 2016, our children became our life. And I don't know that you ever really come back from losing something, someone, so special and instrumental to every day living. There are a lot of things we don't get to do with our little man, and a lot of things we are doing that we'd really rather not, but he is still ours. We will make new goals and hit different milestones. He is our child, and a part of our lives forever.

Labor Day (lazy day?) Weekend.

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The last six weekends have been the bomb. Brandon and I have had no commitments, and no plans, really, so we've had a lot of time to spend together just the two of us. There have been a few things we were supposed to go do, but my social anxiety got the best of me and we ended up staying home. Have I said before that Brandon is patient? If I haven't, I'm saying it now! 

This weekend was no different than the others, and we had so much time to relax! We spent watching the Utah State game, and having our traditional pizza and (root) beer. On Saturday, we went to Swiss Days in Midway, where we bought six holiday pillow cases because why not, and even found a little wooden airplane! We had family over on Sunday for a late lunch, and ended up chatting until almost nine! Yesterday we slept in and shopped for hardware for a dresser (to no avail) and rounded off the night with Bachelor in Paradise. On the note of hardware, we need suggestions of places to look! We looked at Lowe's, Home Depot, and Hobby Lobby, and the selections were all so limited! We need 3-1/2" black drawer pulls. We redid the furniture in our guest room, and the handles are the last thing we need to finish off the look. For the furniture, anyway. Soon we'll start shopping for decor, and I'm so excited to share it once the room is completely done! After finishing the office, poor Brandon is probably tired of trips to Target and Hobby Lobby, but once we get the guest room done, I'll give him a break for a while.

I'm so excited that it's already Tuesday, because this week is going to be an exciting one! Today I have a little dental procedure after week (not so exciting, but if anyone wants to bring my ice cream that'd be great) but we have a fun little trip planned for this weekend! I'm so excited to completely overshare the weekend, because it's going to be so much fun. Sorry for the super short post, but I need to get some other posts scheduled for this week, and work on a few other things I've been looking forward to! Oh, and maybe do some actual work today at my job haha. I hope everyone had a nice long weekend!