In pregnancy, most women wait to share their news until they are out of the first trimester. The first thirteen weeks are considered the most risky for miscarriage, so the general population of pregnant women choose to keep the secret until they are in the "safe zone."
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Read MoreMay 8, 2017
Hi baby H,
I started feeling really brave this weekend about welcoming you into the world. Looking at boy things is still a little hard, so I mostly looked at girl things yesterday, but I felt like it was a pretty big step. I looked at crib sheets, and a few outfits, and I was even okay to flip through the small Carter’s catalog that came to our house. If you are a boy, then I will eventually be okay to look at boy things, but maybe not right away. There are lots of fun girl things for if you are a girl, though!
I can’t believe we find out in at most nine days whether you are a little boy or girl. I know we were planning to wait until we were seventeen weeks, which would mean we’d still have 21 days, but that’s hardly anything! We leave for Disney World in 17 days, and then we get to announce you to the world! I’m so excited to go on a vacation with just your dad, and to take you on your first Disney trip! We’ll do all sorts of fun things and eat all the best food, since I can’t go on any of the big rides.
Little bean, we love you so much! I will do my best to keep you safe. We’ll see you soon!
May 10, 2017
Oh little bean.
Let me tell you all of the excitement we’ve had in the past 48 hours. When I woke up yesterday morning, I stood up to go to the bathroom, and felt some liquid go into my underwear. It felt like kind of a lot, so I woke up your dad and told him we needed to go to the emergency room. We went, and waited for a million, trillion years, and finally got an ultrasound, where they said your fluid levels looked good, and we concluded that basically I had just peed a little. Welcome to pregnancy. It’s magical.
After I got back to the room, the doctor came in with the nurses and said you looked fine for now, but that there was something else they needed to tell us. They said that you have cystic hygroma, which (we were told yesterday) was abnormal growth on the brain, that may or may not be fatal. So essentially, there was a good chance we would lose you at some point. I went home kind of disbelief, but not the same kind of disbelief I had when we lost your brother. Yesterday it was more of, no, that doesn’t feel right, the baby is fine. I just didn’t feel like there was anything wrong, whereas with Carter, I think we kind of knew the whole time that it wasn’t going to end well.
I did a really good thing and stayed off google all day. I came to work, didn’t focus on it too much, and then had daddy’s friend from work come give me a blessing. But I was kind of terrified, because in the ER I had asked the doctor, does the baby have it, or is it just that the baby may have it, and he said that you for sure did. He talked to Dr. Chavez, who said he wanted to see me today, so I called and made an appointment for this morning. It was a long night and morning, waiting to see the doctor, but I’m so glad we were able to get in early this morning.
This guy is a saint, baby H, let me tell you.
The first thing he said when he came in was that he almost called me to see how I was doing. That’s a big deal. Not a lot of doctors would care so much to call their patients on the day they aren’t in the office. Next, he asked what the ER doctor had told us, and told us that what the guy said was not entirely accurate. It’s not a growth on the brain, it is abnormal swelling of the lymphatic system, and it’s not always fatal. It can be, but it can also be a sign of Down Syndrome, Turner Syndrome, or some other syndrome. The only way we will know if it is a syndrome is by waiting to get our genetic test results back, which should hopefully be within the next week. If the test results do show something, then we will just have to go from there. If they don’t, he’ll send us to a specialist for an ultrasound, and see what they can find.
Dr. Chavez said he was very frustrated with the report the radiologist sent in. The radiologist didn’t specify where the abnormality was, or how big it was, only that it was there. He was frustrated, because we just had an ultrasound a week ago, and he didn’t see anything abnormal then, so whatever the radiologist saw should have been laid out more clearly, rather than just saying that you have cystic hygroma and leaving it at that. I (conveniently) drank 32 ounces of water 45 minutes before the appointment and didn’t use the bathroom, so we asked him if he wanted to do an ultrasound, and he said yes. He took us in and started looking, and still seemed frustrated. Finally, he said “so if I’m really looking for it, I could see how they would think this little fluid buildup could be something. It’s a stretch, but I could seem them thinking that was something.” He measured it, and it only measured about 1 centimeter, which is good. If it is really a cystic hygroma, and it was closer to 5 centimeters, then we would have to have a really hard conversation about what to do with you. If it is 2 or less, then there are other things that could be done or (if it’s not chromosomal) it could possibly go away. So I was happy that it wasn’t huge, but even happier that he kind of seemed to think the radiologist was off his rocker. He said multiple times that the radiologist is not a fetal radiologist, and is definitely not a high risk fetal radiologist, so there’s a chance the guy didn’t really know what he was talking about. He said, had Dr. Hutchison looked at the ultrasound and concluded that, he would have been more likely to believe it, but even then, Dr. Hutchison is the one who thought areas of Carter’s heart looked enlarged last year, and they weren’t.
Don’t get me wrong, little bean. I am still scared that this could end badly. I am absolutely terrified to lose you. If you have down syndrome, I don’t care! I just want you to be here and healthy so I can kiss your little face all over. But you and I had a lot of good talks before you got here (if you are who I think you are, anyway) and I don’t see this, the complications or any syndrome, in the cards for us. I just really don’t. I feel really good about you and this whole pregnancy, so I think it will be okay.
It has been an exciting few days, that’s for sure! But we are fourteen weeks pregnant today, and you are growing and moving so much! You are a wiggly little thing, just like your brother. I’m trying to eat healthy and exercise for your sake, but the doctor said to eat more ice cream, so I guess I just have to follow orders. We’re excited to get the test results back, so we can know if you are a little girl or boy, and to find out if we’ll be blessed with a different kind of parenthood (other than the different kind we are already living). Stay safe little bean, we love you so so much!!
How far along? : Fourteen weeks!!! So dang excited!!!
Baby is the size of: a peach!
Total weight gain/loss: Who cares!! But uh...still like four pounds. I definitely have a belly though..
Sleep: Sleep shmeep. Who needs it. Actually, me, that’s who. Not super tired, but not sleeping well still!
Best moment this week: Seeing you two times! You’re so wiggly and cute. And stubborn!! Roll over so we can see your face, for Pete’s sake!
Movement: Yes!! Just barely, but it’s so wonderful.
Symptoms: None, really. Still sensitive to all the smells, but that’s it!
Food cravings: Cookies and subway!
Food aversions: Anything super smelly
What I miss: Carter, working out hard, and having a naive and easy pregnancy.
What I am looking forward to: getting these dang test results back so we can know all the things!
The day we found out I was pregnant, I started keeping a little journal where I could document the pregnancy before we shared the news publicly. The only documenting of Carter's pregnancy that I did was through the blog, and I wish I had done more, so I really went all out with journaling for this one. I planned to share these posts after we announced her (which was supposed to be Friday), and have decided to share them anyway. Today I would have been sixteen weeks pregnant, but instead I'm sharing a picture of the first set of flowers we left at the cemetery for our little bean. Life is a strange, strange thing.
This first post is from that special day we found out about our bean.
March 8, 2017
I have to keep a separate journal for these, because if I write them in the blog I know I will accidentally post them.
For the past few weeks, I have been an absolute crazy person. I have been angry, sad, happy, depressed...just all over the board. I’ve been craving Zupas and hamburgers like nobody’s business. I started my thyroid medication on the 24th, and had some light bleeding, so I just assumed it was my period, which I was thrilled about because it meant my body was actually working. But also in these past few weeks, I have gained like a pound a week and it has been the worst. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling super nauseous, but I just thought it was because I had caught whatever illness Alycia had in Vegas. This morning I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to see. I drank a whole 32 ounces of water, and planned to take the test right before I left for work, but when Brandon said he was going to go iron his shirt, I took advantage of the opportunity. I was all geared up to pee on the stick for five seconds, and only had enough liquid in me for about two seconds. I was sad, because if the test was negative (when the test was negative, I told myself), I was afraid I would want to take another one later when I had more water in me.
I took the test, played some Disney emoji while I waited, then looked at the test. Two lines. TWO. FREAKING. LINES. I scrambled to grab the test and run out of the bathroom, simultaneously yelling Brandon’s name and trying to unlock the bathroom door. Struggles. I opened the door and found Brandon freaking out trying to get to me, and I just yelled “I’m pregnant” and shoved the test in his face. He hugged me so fiercely I wanted to cry, but I was already crying because I was so excited about being pregnant. We hugged for a long time, and I just kept telling him how much I love him. We sat on the floor for a while just so excited, smiling and talking about how great of a day it was going to be. Then I had to finish getting ready, but I was too distracted with the good news. I laid on the bed and Brandon talked to the baby, and I just kept holding my stomach, so excited for our little bean.
I can’t believe that a year and one day after we found out we were pregnant with Carter, we found out we are pregnant again. I’m hoping to go get blood work done today to confirm it, but I am over the moon right now. I’m hoping I don’t miscarry or anything due to thyroid issues, but I feel like if I carried Carter full term, this baby is going to make it too.
We love you already, little bean. Thanks for making our day.
How far along? : Five weeks, maybe?
Baby is the size of: an Appleseed!
Total weight gain/loss: 2ish pounds
Sleep: Not terrible, other than the minor puking in my sleep last night haha
Best moment this week: Finding out we are pregnant!
Movement: None
Symptoms: Nausea, so much nausea
Food cravings: cheeseburgers and zupas!
Food aversions: none so far.
What I miss: Not feeling fat and pukey, but it’s so worth it for the babe
What I am looking forward to: having a first appointment!
We're actually closing in on 34 weeks, but it has been a while since I posted last! Life has been crazy busy lately, which we knew was going to happen. Starting the weekend we helped my brother move into his apartment, we had plans every single weekend until October 1st. Now we're two weddings and two baby showers down, and we only have six weeks until the little guy arrives. It's nuts, I tell you. Absolute nuts.
My best friends threw me the cutest Classic Mickey themed shower two weekends ago (pictures to come) and it was so fun! We played games, ate some tasty snacks, and most importantly, had girl time and were able to talk without all the guys there! It really was so fun; they are the best! Then, this last Friday, my mom threw me a baby shower in Boise! Even though it wasn't really cold outside, it was sort of fall themed, with woodland animals and soup and caramel apples. It wasn't structured like a traditional shower, so we didn't play games, and it wasn't just for the ladies, which was a nice change! There were a few activities, like advice cards for me and Brandon, and well wishes for the babe, but mostly it was nice to sit and talk to people I hadn't seen for a while. It was nice to just be in Boise for a while and have family time, too. We had the shower, did some shopping, saw my brother and wife's new place, and just kind of relaxed. Adrian came home from Logan for the weekend too, so it was good to have the whole family together!
This Friday, the Robbins side of the family is throwing me a shower! My parents are also coming to Logan on Friday, so we can go to the homecoming game on Saturday. It's going to be another busy weekend! But we are looking forward to more family time before we have to hole up for the winter.
Nothing too exciting is happening pregnancy-wise. I have this upper back pain that sets in between noon and two every day and won't go away until I'm laying down, but thankfully Caroline got me this body pillow that I have just started carrying around the house with me when I'm home. All I want to eat lately is half-baked Ben and Jerry's, but I'm trying really hard to not eat only that. It's lame. Also, lately I just feel like a turtle stuck on its back; it's getting harder and harder to sit up on my own haha. People keep asking how I'm feeling, and honestly I'm feeling pretty good still! I've starting to panic a little bit when I think about how close we are getting to November 2nd, because how the heck am I supposed to take care of a baby? Who decided that trusting me with a kid was a good idea?! What if I'm a bad mom?!?!?!?!? But for now, I'll just let Ben and Jerry comfort me through my worries. And my giant pillow.
You know those days where none of your clothes seem to fit comfortably, and all you want to do is sit on the couch in your sweats and binge watch Netflix while eating your feelings because you're already fat so you might as well embrace it? That's today for me.
Going back to work this week was rough, due to the fact that A: I had to get up and put real clothes on every day, and B: I couldn't just rewear the same dress day after day because I knew I wouldn't see anyone I know. Now I see people every day, and I think they'd recognize the same striped maternity dress if I wore it every day. So I went out shopping with Alycia last Monday, found a pair of maternity pants and a shirt, and kept them in the bag with the receipt in my drawer until today, when I tried them on for Brandon. And then I just ended up crying in the closet. The shirt was an iffy buy to begin with, and the pants...well the pants were too tight and too loose in all the wrong places, and let's just say that if I ever wanted to sit down in them, I should first offer a blindfold to the people around me. So yeah, I started crying, because I hate shopping to begin with, but trying to shop while pregnant is a complete joke. We returned the clothes to the store, then stopped in JcPenney, hoping to at least find something, but they don't even have a maternity section anymore! Not in store anyway, but I could always shop online, the kind lady informed me. Old Navy seems to have adopted this too. Let me ask you, who in their right mind thought that pregnant ladies would love nothing more than to take a shot in the dark and buy all their maternity clothes online? I mean yeah, that means I don't have to leave the house to do the actual shopping, but when the clothes come and don't fit well, then I actually do have to leave the house to return the clothes. So lose lose.
Anyway, we came home and I thought to myself "self, maybe your problem is that you aren't quite big enough to be trying to find maternity clothes. maybe we should try on some of your pre-pregnant pants and see if you can still clothes this with a hair tie." Talk about kicking a lady while she's already down...stupidest idea I've ever had. Of course they don't fit; I only have twelve weeks left until the actual baby is here. Maybe it's just that, like, everything is growing, so I don't actually notice that any one part of me is larger than it used to be because it all just is proportionally the same? I don't know.
People have loved seeing me at work because before summer I just had a bump that could have passed for sixteen slices of pizza, and now it looks like a legitimate baby bump, and they all tell me it's so cute. And sometimes I believe them, but not today. Today I just want to put on my standard soffe shorts and oversized Yankees t-shirt and nap on the couch all day.
I knew this whole self esteem thing would be an issue during pregnancy; it was an issue before, so of course it would be an issue during. I tried to stay ahead of the game and buy some shorts and dresses that would work for a while, and they have so far, but there has been a slight touch of fall in the air this weekend, and I know I'm going to need pants and long sleeved shirts before too long. So for now, my fix to this whole issue is just to suck it up and keep shopping, because it might be the worst now, but eventually I'll find clothes that do fit, and it will all be worth it. And also I will let myself buy a Mrs. Fields cookie at the mall when I'm feeling sad because chocolate cures everything and also I don't care.
So instead of cute baby bump pictures today, here's a pictures of the nachos we made to make me feel a little happier.
side note: I have been the most emotional person every lately and cry at everything. Brandon spotted this Treasure Valley salsa at Wal-Mart today (we had it for the first time at the fair in Boise and it immediately was our favorite) and I about lost it. Shout out to Boise and its foods for knowing when I need comforting the most.
Also, I'm definitely not looking for a boost in confidence after you read this post. Everyone has off days, and blogging is my way of venting about it, so don't feel bad for me! I just know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way, and maybe someone who is feeling this same way can laugh at me eating nachos and crying in the closet and it will make their day better. :)
Note: the picture has literally nothing to do with this post except for the fact that I'm still pregnant. Still celebrating baby #1.
So I went back to work yesterday, and not that my life is super stressful, but I forgot how much stress working can add sometimes! Add to that all the normal stressors, the fact that Brandon has been in New Orleans for the past few days (coming home tonight, yay!), and all these pregnancy things and basically you end up with a crazy person constantly on the brink of tears. AKA...me. Surprisingly though, I'm not stressed about like, being pregnant and having the baby. I'm more stressed about the next thirteen weeks going by so quickly, and also the fact that soon enough, it's going to be cold and I won't be able to wear dresses anymore, and I really don't want to go spend money on maternity clothes. Mostly that one. I'm stressed about all these little, silly things, but not the big stuff, like I feel I should be.
I went to dinner with a friend last night, and we started talking about labor, and I really am just not scared, for some reason. I think it's because from the very start, I have been constantly reassuring myself that women do this all the time, and my body will know what to do, so I have felt a lot of peace that it's just going to be...well, not great, but manageable, you know?
On a separate, but related note, last night I was brushing my teeth and noticed a section of my gums is receding pretty badly. About four years ago, I got my wisdom teeth out and had a tissue graft for a receding gum line at the same time. Now, the gums right next to the grafted section are receding, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need another graft soon.
Here's where the two thoughts are related: labor doesn't make me nervous in the least, but at the thought of another tissue graft, I started crying. I hate hate hate oral surgery. It has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember, so bad that just thinking about it makes me cry, apparently. So then I'm trying to think about when I could even have the surgery, and I have literally no time, so then from there, the thoughts just spiral out of control (like they would for any normal, crazy person) and either my teeth all fall out, or I have to get the surgery after we have the baby and I'm unable to properly take care of our child for like, a day and a half, and he grows up to resent me forever. All likely, right?
I just think it's so interesting how we all have things that freak us out, or make us worry or panic. Don't get me wrong, labor is not going to be fun, and when I'm there I probably will be terrified, but I think it's so strange/hilarious that the thought of a tissue graft scares me so badly. This was basically just a word vomit post, but I have had a lot on my mind lately, and this was probably the least heavy thing I felt I could blog about. Also, I haven't blogged since I wrote up all the vacation posts that are still rolling out (almost done, bear with me) and I have really missed writing. Hope that's okay.
Alright people. I just finished typing up a blog post for each of our vacation days, and they'll slowly roll out over the next couple weeks. I was going to try and combine days, but there were just too many things that I wanted to remember, so each day ended up having it's own post. Sorry in advance for all the words! It really was such a fun trip, but it is nice to be home, and even nicer being home and having Brandon back! I was in such a good mood when we came home from work last night that I don't think he quite knew what to do with me. And it feels good to sort of have a purpose again. I'm not working right now, and with him gone I didn't feel like there was any point to cooking or cleaning, and for some weird reason it feels good to do those things again! It must be the nesting side of me.
Tomorrow we'll hit week 25 of the pregnancy! My favorite thing has definitely been having Brandon home so that he can feel the baby moving! The day he left for California, he got to feel him move for the first time. It was small, but still so special. Then, when I was in Logan visiting family, I felt the babe kick really hard for the first time, and was so excited for Brandon to come back so he could feel it too! He (the baby) moves really consistently every night when we lay down for bed. Also when I eat ice cream, which honestly has not been that much throughout the pregnancy. The week of my birthday, the week before we found out we were pregnant, I had ice cream like four or five times, and since then I haven't really wanted it. I think I've had ice cream maybe five or six times since then, and usually it's because Brandon's guilts me into eating some with him haha. It's so weird! Honestly, all growing up I just imagined that I would get super fat when I got pregnant, because I already love eating anyway, and eating for two sounds like the perfect excuse, but I haven't really been much hungrier than I was before. I think it was hard on vacation, because it was hot that I almost didn't want to eat. But my cravings for salty, processed potatoes hasn't gone away. We've moved on from tater tots to french fries though. And also, sweet potato fries. Those are my very favorite right now!
Besides a tiny bit of sickness on the second half of the trip, I have been feeling great. I'm actually really surprised at how well DC was, because I thought being five months pregnant would make vacationing a little harder. Brandon said, if anything, he feels like the pregnancy has given me more energy. I don't know if he meant that as a good thing or bad thing haha.
We have our next appointment in two weeks, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to take the glucose test then, so I'm not really looking forward to it, but mostly because I'll have to get my blood drawn again and I hate that.
Some people from Lewis and Clark (my old place of work that I miss so much!) had asked for bump pictures occasionally. Until recently, I hadn't felt like there was much of a "bump," just like, maybe a large pizza or seventeen tacos stuffed into my stomach. I finally am feeling the bump though, and even had a few people offer me a seat on the subway because I actually looked pregnant. Anyway, I'm not really the kind of person to take belly pictures for the sake of belly pictures because, let's be honest, no one needs to be subjected to that, but here are a few pictures from the vacation that kind of show off the belly. I figure I should document this pregnancy at least a little bit.
side note: the pictures from vacation make me look bigger than I actually am. the one in the white shirt, my back is arched, and the others are due to heat, and eating out. not that it matters. the bigger, the better, right?
The weird thing is, unless I am really full from eating or have to go to the bathroom, he sits super low, like in the first picture. The pictures from vacation really aren't that accurate, because now, after having been home a few days and going back to a regular sleep and eating schedule, I'm not as bloated as I was on vacation. But the pictures are still fun to look at and see what I will look like here in a few weeks!
This was pre-vacation, so halfway through week 22.
Halfway through week 23.
Week 24. I felt super pregnant that day and sent this to my mom.