The waterproof mascara life.

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Part of me wanted to call this post "dat waterproof mascara lyfe," but I decided that sometimes it's okay to not put up a front about things. I've realized over the past couple weeks that more and more I pretend I'm okay when I'm not, and I think that's largely due to the fact that more people are reading everything I write. It's easy for me to write how I'm actually feeling when I don't think about the audience, but I think I worry that no one will care to read if (most) every single post I write is deep and emotional. If you still care to read, then truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

About thirteen months ago, I wrote a post on my old blog called The waterproof mascara days. I wrote it the day before we moved to Salt Lake, and I remember the three weeks prior to that day had been so hard, living by myself while Brandon started his new job, packing up our house alone, and saying goodbye to a house, job, and town that I loved so much. 

Have you ever just wanted to kick yourself when you look back on something that you once thought was such a big deal? I look back at almost 25 year old me and think, you poor, sweet, thing, you have no idea what's coming.

For those three weeks, and a couple weeks after, I wore waterproof mascara nearly every day, just in case of spontaneous crying, which didn't actually end up happening as much as I'd anticipated. After we lost Carter though, I started wearing waterproof mascara yet again. And then I noticed I was wearing it so much that I actually wanted to invest in a better tube than what I had. I spent an actual amount of money on waterproof mascara, and I've been wearing it every single day. And unlike the days leading up to and following our move, the waterproof mascara has served its purpose. On a good day, I will cry for maybe a minute. Or sometimes it's just a few quick tears that never end up running down my face. But on a bad day, it would be easier to tell you how much time I spent not crying. And I really don't tell you these things to make you feel bad for me, I just feel like being transparent.

The past few weeks I have been angry and moody and sad and okay, and I don't know how to control it anymore. I don't know how to control my reactions or how to not get upset at people for stupid things. I think the bigger part of me gets upset at myself for getting upset in the first place, over petty, stupid things that don't actually matter. And then I get upset because, if we had Carter at home, maybe I wouldn't get upset about those things in the first place.

I told Brandon yesterday that, if people asked me to rate my days on a scale of 1-10, my entire scale would be the equivalent of what a 1-3 would have been before our loss. The highest I can go on any given day is a 3, and on a day I'd consider a 1, I'm hardly keeping my head above water.

At this point, nothing seems important except for Carter and Brandon, and I feel like sometimes maybe that's not an acceptable thing to feel. Especially since we got the autopsy results back. No one had said or even hinted at feeling this way, but I feel like now that we have the final autopsy results, people will expect me to be okay and move on. Kind of like when you wait days and days for a test result, then you find out your grade and move on. But just because we got the autopsy report doesn't mean this is over. It's not something I can think about and say "okay well I got an F, but I'll just try again next time." I legitimately lost my baby a week before he was supposed to come home with me and I can't have him back. It's not something I will ever get over, but I'm afraid people will want me to. I'm afraid people will forget about Carter because there aren't pictures of him plastering my Instagram feed like a living baby. I scour the internet daily to try and find airplane things to put in my house and on my body so that when people see them, they are reminded of our boy and how much he is still a part of our lives. He might not physically be in our house, but I can still feel him there all the same, and I want others to feel him too. What if people forget and don't count him in the number of children we have when we have other kids at home? What if someone tells me it's dumb to celebrate his birthday every year, or to buy him something for Christmas, or to make him a Shutterfly book every year like I had planned to anyway? I'm so legitimately terrified that people expect me to be over losing him and I can't be. I can't be "on" every day, I can't even be okay every day. I'm afraid of letting people down because I still cry every day.

A friend shared a picture with me of a biplane sticker she saw on someone's back windshield today, and I can't even begin to explain to you how much it meant to me. To know that at least one person, even four months since our loss, remembers Carter when she sees an airplane. To that friend, thank you. You honestly have no idea how much your post this morning meant to me.

I won't ever be as good as I once was. There is always a part of me that will be broken, and I hope that's okay. I miss Carter every single day, but I'm terrified I will forget just how much I miss him, and I'm terrified that other people will just forget him altogether. Life is moving forward for other people, and even for me and Brandon, but I can't decide if I'm okay with that or not. I know good things wait for us in the future, but most days, I'd rather be stuck and lost without my boy than not thinking about him at all.

 

Four months.

in

It has been four months today.

This is just going to be a quick little catch up. Things have been so busy at work lately that by the time we get home and go to the gym and have dinner, we're wiped out and basically just sit and do nothing haha. I need to get better! I want to either continue working on one of these two novels I've started, or get going on a new one, but some days, between everything going on emotionally and physically, I just don't have it in me.

We kicked off birthday week by going to have cupcakes with Carter at the cemetery. It was freezing, and snowing decently too, but the one thing I knew I wanted to do for my birthday was to go up and have a cupcake with my little man, so we did! We cleaned up the flowers that were there from a couple weeks ago, but had to dig them out from under the snow. Logan has been pounded with snow this year. I feel like every time we go up there is fresh snow on the ground; it's crazy.

After hanging out with Carter for a bit, we went and visited with my friend Jennika, then had lunch with Brandon's siblings and wives. We didn't have anything else going on that afternoon, so we just hung out for a bit. I met Chelsea and her husband at the cemetery a little later, and I meant to take a picture of the things they bought for him but I forgot!! Chels bought him a cute blue little bunny, and Sam bought him a tiny tractor and said "every boy's gotta have a tractor." How cute is that? I love that my friends love Carter so much.

Sunday we did some shopping and tried to just chill. I wanted some quality time with Brandon before I leave for a girls trip on my birthday! 

I don't know what the weather is like everywhere else, but it has been snowing here literally all day and I'm so ready to put my sweats on and watch the bachelor! Happy Monday!

 
 
 
 
 
 

Final autopsy results.

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Our hearts have been a little more tender this past week, and even though I know you will be, I'm asking that you be soft with us in response to this post. 

After we lost Carter, we made the decision to have an autopsy performed. At that point, we were clinging to anything and everything we could to figure out why we had lost him. About a week later, our doctor called us with the preliminary findings. Carter has some skeletal abnormalities-bell shaped ribs and a cervical rib-and multiple spleens. Realistically, babies survive with all those abnormalities. Some may live with a disability, others may be totally fine. They also noted that my placenta was small, but the doctor showed no concern about that. It would explain why he was small, but wouldn't have explained why we lost him. The doctor was also confident that these abnormalities weren't indicative of any syndrome. The anomalies do present themselves in a syndrome, but these three together did not mean he had any syndrome.

About a month or so later, Brandon and I got some blood drawn to do a karyotype. A karyotype just tests the number and visual appearance of chromosomes, so nothing in depth, but that came back normal. 

On Monday last week, the doctor finally called with the final pathology report. Even he had began to wonder why it was taking so long to hear back on it, but when he called, he said it is one of the more detailed pathology reports he had seen, meaning the pathologists did a really good job and checked everything they could.

He said the abnormalities they had found were simply third trimester findings. Not indicative of anything, it was just the same as observing that he has ten fingers and ten toes. My placenta was small, which did explain why he was so small, but it wasn't the cause. The cause was a blockage in the umbilical cord. Now whether the blockage just happened, or if he was pressed against it for too long or what, we don't know. And we never will. There were no knots, just blockage. 

Everything else, besides the ribs, were normally developed. I reread the autopsy report and still just felt so proud to read that everything was normal and looked good. Especially about his brain. I'm confident that he's a smart little guy, and his knowledge is worlds beyond what we'll ever know. We have felt some comfort in the fact that the future with his skeletal abnormalities may have been difficult. He might have lived a completely normal life, or he may not have. The school I worked at before we lost him was a school devoted completely to students with disabilities, and I was there long enough to know that that is a hard life to live, and I wouldn't have wanted that for him. 

It was also nice to know that it wasn't a genetic issue, and that my thyroid wasn't the cause of it. I was the most concerned about these two things, because having to try to adopt or do IVF is just a whole different ball game. We're pleased to know that we are lucky enough to produce healthy babies. 

It has honestly just been such a confusing week. We feel so sad that one stupid block in the cord is what caused us to lose him, but we know we can't go back and change anything, so we're trying to just be at peace with what it is. It won't always be this hard, but we know it won't ever be easy. Thank you guys for all the love and support you've shown us over the past year, through the pregnancy and now through our loss. We really appreciate everything you've done and I know will continue to do for us.

A year in Sojo.

in

Time is a weird thing. Days can drag on and on and on, but suddenly, the week, month, or even year is over. 

Brandon hit his year mark at work about a month ago. This is the longest he has been at a job since Campsaver, and I think it's safe to say that he'll be with this company for a while! He loves his job, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see him feel so accomplished at the end of each day. My year mark (with a small interruption) with the school district I work for was on February 1st, and I'm glad I was able to find a job with this district again. They are good people.

A year ago from Sunday we moved into our house! A year ago from Monday, we had the help of some friends of an uncle moving our fridge, dresser, and washer and dryer all the way upstairs, and I was trying to figure out how to organize our kitchen (why is it always the hardest thing??) I remember just trying to hurry and get things done so we could hang out before Brandon went to California for two weeks, and him hurrying to get all the blinds put up before he left. We took way too many trips to Lowe's in that short time.

People had told us that year-marks would be hard after losing Carter, and there are a lot of year marks coming up with him that I'm not looking forward, but kind of am at the same time. The date of his conception (TMI but it's sentimental to me), my birthday weekend when I was pregnant but didn't know it, the day we found out I was pregnant, and the days we told our families.

Honestly if I can just get through March, things will be a little easier, but it's still just so weird how quickly the past year has gone. Like I said, this is the longest Brandon has been at a job in three years, and we have been in this house four months longer than we were in our last house. We lived in our second apartment the longest, 19 months, so I'm not sure how we'll feel once we surpass that time frame! We've never been ones to feel settled, or like we're in the right place, but South Jordan is treating us well. It's surprising to say, but it feels like home.

So much love.

in

I know, I know, Valentine's Day is kind of overrated. But I'm a girl, and more specifically, a girl that likes flower and chocolate, so we choose to participate. Brandon surprised me last night with roses, bubble bath, bath bombs, and a box of milk duds. All my favorite things! Tonight we are going to see Lego Batman and will likely eat the entire bucket of popcorn. The only thing that would make this holiday even better would be Costa Vida, but I think we'll save that for this weekend. Spread out the love celebration.

We're celebrating this year with a new valentine in our lives. It's hard to not have Carter here, but we're making the most of each holiday with him the best we can. On the first Saturday of the month, we drove up to Logan to make freezer meals with our brother and sister-in-law (I can do a post of those recipes, if anyone is interested!). Before heading to their house, we went to see our boy, and decorated his grave with some Valentine's things. There is a little decoration hanging out of the little bucket, and we have one just like it at our house! I love having duplicates of things, one for him and one for us. It gives us just one more connection to him. We wish he was here, but it's crazy how much love you can have for someone you had too little time with.

Hope you all have a good Valentine's Day, and remember to squeeze your loved ones a little tighter. 

 
 
 
 

Godfather's for my father.

in

Honestly I'm just really sorry about the title. Sometimes I think I'm way funnier than I actually am.

My family came down to visit this past weekend! My parents, brothers, and their respective ladies all made the drive down just to spend time with us! It was so nice to have everyone here, especially since half of them hadn't been down before. It's also just really nice that we have the room for everyone. But anyway.

Friday was my dad's birthday, so we took him to the new Godfather's in South Jordan. He used to work at Godfather's in Idaho Falls, and it is his favorite pizza place, so we was stoked to hear one was opening down here. The pizza was sooo good. Brandon and I can't stop talking about the Chicken Bacon Ranch, and I have a feeling we'll be going back pretty soon. The best part was that the staff came and sang Happy Birthday, even though they don't technically do anything for birthdays. My brother asked, and they just agreed because they are so great. We all stuffed ourselves so full that we couldn't even do cake and ice cream when we got home.

On Saturday we went to the aquarium! The oldest of my two brothers loves all things that live in the water (or at least the ones he can buy and keep in a tank, which is a lot of things, turns out) and it was fun to hear him rattle off all his water creature knowledge. Honestly, going with my two grown brothers was like going with children; they were so excited. After the aquarium we went to Ikea because why not. We started our journey off with some snacks (pizza, froyo, and hot dogs), and made our way through the store. This was the third time I had been to Ikea in about two months, and I found some pretty good things this time! My mom kept complimenting my decorating game all weekend, so I felt like freaking Joanna Gaines walking through that store. Maybe sometime I'll post pictures of some of the things we've done with our house. I don't feel like it's all that impressive, but my mom likes it, and moms never tell you they like something just because that is their job. That night we finally did cake and ice cream and played a couple rounds of Sushi Go before crawling off to bed.

Sunday morning went by way too quickly. We had breakfast, and then everyone packed up to leave. The siblings all left and headed straight home, but my parents wanted to go see Carter, so we drove up to Logan with them and hung out with our boy for about half an hour. We took him a bunch of flowers for Valentine's Day, and replaced the stake on one of his solar lights. It was nice to take my parents, and this was their first time being back after his funeral service, so they were able to see his headstone!

All in all, it was a really good weekend. My brother and his wife brought their dog, and it was so fun to watch her with the cats. She is a bigger dog than the cats have ever been around, but is super calm, so the cats weren't quite sure what to think of her. Every time the cats would get brave enough to go close to Maebe we all got so excited. Sometimes I don't really know what we would do for entertainment if we didn't have the cats haha.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

 
 

15 weeks.

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I know I've said it before, but it is so strange to be counting up, when I was counting down for so long. I remember when we had 15 weeks left until our due date. We had just gotten home from our vacation to DC and New York, and were in the thick of setting up the nursery and preparing for our little guy to arrive. I don't even remember what it was like to be 15 weeks pregnant. I didn't feel pregnant yet, but I know we were so excited. And now, we're fifteen weeks out, and it's just so weird.

When people ask how I'm doing, my usual answer is "fine. some days are harder than others." And I realized about two minutes ago that that's a total lie. Not that I'm not fine, because I am. Not good, not bad, just fine. I worked with someone once who told me that "fine" is the worst F word you can say, because it's vague and always a lie. And though me saying I'm fine is sometimes a lie, the real lie I tell is that some days are harder than others. Because really, some minutes are harder than others. One second you can be mopping the floor, and then you remember that the last time you prepared for your family to stay with you, you were also prepping to go to the hospital to deliver your son. You can be plugging away at work, getting shiz done, and remember how it felt to have him placed on your chest. It's the strangest thing. When I think about it from a metaphorical standpoint, I just picture myself getting hit in the face with a fish. It comes out of nowhere, it's messy and unwanted. I'd rather go fishing and bring on the grief by myself.

Grief is just weird in general. When Brandon went back to work, if he was even five minutes late getting home I freaked out, worrying that he was in a car accident or something. Even today, my family is driving down to see us, in three different cars, and I know I will be full of anxiety until they all get there. Fear isn't going to stop me from doing things and living my life, but I don't want to deal with more than one loss in my whole life. Every person I know has to outlive me, got it? That means you!

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine that lost a baby over the summer. We were talking about how, for me, it is hard to have all of Carter's things, because I feel like I just prepped for a baby in case we ever got pregnant. But at the same time, it's so nice to have all those things, because I can just go into the nursery, sit in the chair, and just kind of be with him. She had a dream that her son was still at the hospital, and that no one told her she could go visit him, and I wanted to say, well luckily that's not real, and you have his ashes at home with you. How stupid is that? Luckily. Saying luckily in any situation right now is just plain ridiculous. But she said "there's no right or wrong way to lose a baby" and basically nailed it on the head. There's no right or wrong way to navigate through the muddy waters of loss and grief and anger and sadness. You can use your hands or a boat or snowshoes or whatever, but it's still going to be hard and you're still going to feel stuck sometimes. But as long as you're trying, you're moving forward.

There are new pieces of brightness in my life that I never would have thought I'd have to deal with. Get to deal with? I don't know. No right or wrong answer with this one. But it's strange to get excited about something and share it with someone, only to have their look of sadness as a response. I know it's sad, trust me, but it's also okay for people to be excited about the things I'm excited about! I found the coolest thing on Etsy yesterday! There are companies that make necklaces with engravings of a sound wave. So you can send a voice recording to them, and the sound waves for that recording onto the necklace. Go one step further...they can engrave sound waves for a heartbeat. I'm trying to get a better picture of Carter's heartbeat sound waves (thank goodness for the fetal echo that we did? I guess?), but I'm going to get that necklace soon! I shared that with a lady I work with, and I felt bad because she was sad, but also happy? I feel like life is a giant question mark at the end of every sentence haha.

These are some strange things to be excited about, but if we can't have our boy at home, then we should find some sunshine in the little things we get. All the necklaces I have that are pieces of him, the headstone we were able to purchase with the help of friends and family that has Brandon's drawing on it, the drawing from a sweet stranger, pictures, molds, and support from the kind lady who was there to share in our grief, airplanes galore, and the knowledge that there are so many people who love him even though they never got the chance to meet him. I don't know if you would call these silver linings, I don't know that there are ever silver linings with loss, but there are beautiful coincidences and tender mercies that make the hard times just a little bit easier. 

**cover photo is me at 15 weeks pregnant.

Disney traditions.

in

Six weeks before Brandon and I got married, we went to Disney World with my family. Disney was a big part of my life growing up, and I had been to Disney World twice before (not to mention the many trips to Disneyland), but it was so much fun bringing Brandon into that world-figuratively and literally. Anyway, while we were there, Brandon said to me "let's do a Disney vacation every year. To the land, or the world, or another park, or a cruise, or Aulani, or Adventures by Disney-doesn't matter. But let's do it." He might regret that eventually, but we have held to it! 

Over our many trips, we have started a few different traditions of things we do/buy. We buy an ornament for us and now one for Carter, occasionally a puzzle, the traditional picture in front of the castle, a mickey ice cream, a mickey pretzel, and a caramel apple (so most of our traditions involve food, sue me).  My favorite tradition is the caramel apple. That sounds so weird and random, and it is, but I love it. They always have one special one depending on the season or the celebration or their movie releases. I don't even know exactly when the tradition started, because looking back at pictures, I don't think we bought one the first or even second time we went, but we have bought four now and it makes me so happy. Of course, they don't last long when we get them home, but they are fun to look at before we eat them.

 
 
 

Cute little Dory apple.

 
 

This picture doesn't technically belong to me. We got an apple just like this but slacked and didn't take a picture.

 
 
 
 

I feel like traditions are just part of the Disney magic anyway. There's always that favorite ride you go on more than one, the restaurant or churro cart you have to go to, the pins you buy, the character you take a picture with...it's all about what brings your family together. Apparently for Brandon and me that's food, but what can you do. Everyone has a weakness 

A much needed vacation.

in

I can't believe it's already Monday. And I can't believe it's the end of January! This month went so fast, especially once I started working again. There aren't enough hours in the day to work and cook and clean and relax and work out and all the other things we want to do!!

We rounded off January with a trip to Disneyland. James and Candis were going for her birthday and invited us to go with them. Last Saturday, Brandon and I looked at flights, but they were more than I wanted to spend, and we didn't know if I would need surgery or not, so I was a mean wife and said we shouldn't go. But then Sunday morning, I woke up before Brandon, and decided that we needed to go. So I booked the trip while he was still sleeping, and actually got a really good deal on it. We couldn't drive, since I don't technically have any days I can take off from work, but we actually got the flight and hotel together for less than the flights alone had been on Saturday night, so it worked out pretty well!

We made it to Anaheim without any flight delays or cancellations, which is actually a big deal for us. We got to Disneyland at 9:30 pm, and went to the park until midnight. They didn't do the fireworks that night, but we got to watch the Main Street Electrical Parade, do a couple rides, and eat a churro. Then we walked to the hotel, and got a whopping five hours of sleep before waking up to do it again. Saturday was spent in California Adventure. We did basically all of the rides, watched Frozen, ate more good food, and rounded the night off with World of Color. Yesterday was far too short. We got to the park at nine, did all the good rides (Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain, Star Tours, Matterhorn, Splash Mountain, Haunted Mansion) all before one, which is pretty dang good. Pirates was closed the whole time we were there, so we didn't get to ride it. We got a Mickey ice cream and wandered the park for a bit, then had to said goodbye at 3:30 to head to LAX.

It was a super quick trip, but it was so fun! There were seven of us: James, Candis, two of her siblings, Brandon's brother Shawn, then Brandon and I. It was a super chill group, so the whole weekend was actually pretty relaxing. Also, Brandon and I love doing the Thomas Kinkade Disney puzzles, and we found a Pirates of the Caribbean one at the park that we're pretty excited about. It was hard to come back home though, considering that it was eighty degrees yesterday when we left the park. Disney vacations never last long enough!