Brandon and I have been working on a very special project (not a baby) that we are so excited to share with you soon! It's something that is very dear to our hearts, and we're hoping to see you all back here when we announce it (which I promise, is soon). I'm going to say thank you in advance, and we'll leave you with a little peek at what's coming.
When you lose a baby, you don't just lose the baby.
You lose dreams and hopes, goals and milestones. Plans you once had for holidays, vacations, life in general, they are all gone. You miss out on baby snuggles, late night changings and feedings, watching them sleep. You miss out on that first smile, first steps, first words. You miss out on the phase when they begin to explore anything and everything around them, when they start to develop their own personality. You miss out on first days of school. You don't get to watch them learn how to drive, go off to college, get married, and have babies of their own.
You don't just lose out on the one moment of delivering a live baby, you lose an entire future.
There is a lot of preparation for bringing a baby home. You buy a crib and a dresser and a stroller and a carseat and a diaper bag and blankets and clothes and diapers and wipes and bottles and pacifiers and sheets and a pack n' play and toys and socks and bibs. We had all those things. We'd had lengthy discussions about how to do Disney with a baby, and how we would learn to travel differently and slow down once we had a little one with us on our trips. We had planned to go to Hawaii around Carter's first birthday. We were so excited to do Thanksgiving and Christmas at home just the three of us. I was excited for Carter's uncles and grandpas to teach him about cars and sports and bikes and music and techy things and bad jokes. I was excited for his grandmas to cover him in kisses, and become the kind of grandmas that always had new pictures and videos of their grandson to share with everyone. I couldn't wait for the cats to meet him and love him. I was excited for Brandon to be his dad, and I was excited to be his mom.
When we lost Carter, we lost a huge piece of ourselves. We lost our naivete, our innocence, and a little bit of our joy. When we lost little bean, we lost some of our optimism. And when we lost the third pregnancy, we lost some of our hope. Maybe I shouldn't speak for Brandon on this, but those are things I've lost with each baby.
I think this is why losing a baby, or anyone that is gone too soon really, is so hard. Dying of old age is natural, and even though all the time in the world is never enough, there has at least been enough time for memories and milestones and just time together in general. We never got any of that with Carter or little bean. I'd still be pregnant with little bean, technically; we'd be about seven weeks away from meeting her. But instead, we have to try and make a lifetime of memories out of the weeks and months we had with each of them in my belly.
It's fun for us to think about what they would have been like. We don't do it so much with little bean, but we think about Carter's personality a lot. When we were at Disney World, we both agreed that Animal Kingdom would have been his absolute favorite. I could almost picture him getting so excited at seeing all the animals. It made my heart hurt. We bought a stuffed Safari Mickey to leave in the nursery for him, because I could see him wanting that toy. I like to think that he'd be a bit of a mama's boy, and that as much as he'd want to run around and explore, he'd want me right behind him the whole time. I can see him giving Brandon a run for his money, but also wanting to chill next to dad on the couch every night. And I can see him being gentle and sweet with the cats, and them loving him right back. I don't want to idealize him or make it seem like he would have been the perfect child, but I don't call him our sweet boy for nothing. He would have been the most tender soul.
But we can only imagine those things; we'll never get to know for sure. We lost out on so many things that we were looking forward to, but we also lost out on getting to see our sweet Carter grow into the great man I know he would have been. He would have been just like Brandon, I'm sure of it. Knowing that the world missed out on getting another Brandon is a tragedy in and of itself.
Our life itself is not lost. Brandon and I still have each other, and there are still so many things we can accomplish if we are left to do life just the two of us. But from the moment we found out we were pregnant with Carter, at around 5:15 pm on March 7, 2016, our children became our life. And I don't know that you ever really come back from losing something, someone, so special and instrumental to every day living. There are a lot of things we don't get to do with our little man, and a lot of things we are doing that we'd really rather not, but he is still ours. We will make new goals and hit different milestones. He is our child, and a part of our lives forever.
The last six weekends have been the bomb. Brandon and I have had no commitments, and no plans, really, so we've had a lot of time to spend together just the two of us. There have been a few things we were supposed to go do, but my social anxiety got the best of me and we ended up staying home. Have I said before that Brandon is patient? If I haven't, I'm saying it now!
This weekend was no different than the others, and we had so much time to relax! We spent watching the Utah State game, and having our traditional pizza and (root) beer. On Saturday, we went to Swiss Days in Midway, where we bought six holiday pillow cases because why not, and even found a little wooden airplane! We had family over on Sunday for a late lunch, and ended up chatting until almost nine! Yesterday we slept in and shopped for hardware for a dresser (to no avail) and rounded off the night with Bachelor in Paradise. On the note of hardware, we need suggestions of places to look! We looked at Lowe's, Home Depot, and Hobby Lobby, and the selections were all so limited! We need 3-1/2" black drawer pulls. We redid the furniture in our guest room, and the handles are the last thing we need to finish off the look. For the furniture, anyway. Soon we'll start shopping for decor, and I'm so excited to share it once the room is completely done! After finishing the office, poor Brandon is probably tired of trips to Target and Hobby Lobby, but once we get the guest room done, I'll give him a break for a while.
I'm so excited that it's already Tuesday, because this week is going to be an exciting one! Today I have a little dental procedure after week (not so exciting, but if anyone wants to bring my ice cream that'd be great) but we have a fun little trip planned for this weekend! I'm so excited to completely overshare the weekend, because it's going to be so much fun. Sorry for the super short post, but I need to get some other posts scheduled for this week, and work on a few other things I've been looking forward to! Oh, and maybe do some actual work today at my job haha. I hope everyone had a nice long weekend!
A couple weeks ago, I was working on something on the computer at home, and was getting so frustrated with the glare on the screen. I took a Thursday off a few days later, and one thing on my to-do list was to rearrange the two pieces of furniture in the office so that the computer wasn't facing the window anymore. Literally all we had in there was a desk and a little cube shelf (and my piano, I guess). Our "office" sat empty until just over a year ago, when I got tired of it being boring, and finally bought the desk and shelf. Since then, it has seen more use, but it still didn't feel complete. When I was rearranging, I suddenly had a vision for how I wanted the room to look, and Brandon was sweet enough to indulge me.
We went to Target and Hobby Lobby (the only important places, really) and spent waaay too much money. I initially had wanted a new desk, but I'm actually pretty pleased with how everything turned out, and don't feel the need for a new one anymore! Because we already had the two main pieces of furniture, everything else was very detail oriented and it was so fun to pick out little things. Eventually (hopefully) we will redo the nursery, and I will move Carter's blue curtains into the office (the white ones are just place holders, we already had them so they'll work for now). We wanted the office to feel sort of like his room still, and even though there is a lot of girly flair to it, there are hints of blue and lots of airplanes.
I'm honestly so pleased with how it turned out, and I really feel like I have a creative space where I will want to spend time working on the blog and my novels. Shout out to Brandon for being the greatest husband ever, and for understanding that retail therapy is a real thing. You can shop everything at the end of the post! (Use the code LABORDAY to save 15% on your total purchase at Target through Monday!)
PS. These shelves are handmade by Brandon! I wanted shelves so badly but couldn't find anything like what I imagined, so he made these things all by himself! (even though I was supposed to help. oops). Happy shopping!
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A little behind the scenes because the cats love it too!
The title of this post is so completely opposite about my life, and I think it's hilarious. There is no balance to our lives anymore. Everything is the complete opposite of the way it's supposed to be. We spend weekends in a cemetery instead of the nursery. We spend nights sleeping hard instead of waking up to feed and change a baby. We watch a ton of Netflix when we should be watching our sweet boy explore the world. Sure, there are some beautiful things that have come from losing multiple babies, but for the most part, our world is in a constant state of imbalance and chaos. Nothing is the way it should be.
After our miscarriage I told myself that I could have two weeks to grieve hard, eat whatever I wanted, and not work out. Monday of the third week rolled around, and right after my counseling session I called Brandon, told him there had been a change of plans, and asked if he'd stop for Ben & Jerry's on his way home. Thus began a third week of heavy grieving. Last week, the same thing happened. We did the same thing on Monday this week, but then I stepped on the scale yesterday and something needs to change haha. All I know is that if Ben & Jerry's were about to go out of business a month ago, they are safe now, because Brandon and I alone are keeping them afloat.
But I found out last week on Monday that I actually like carrots now. After weeks of struggling to eat them when I was pregnant with little bean (literally, they would make me gag. I'm like five, it's fine) I actually wanted to eat them! And now I've had carrots THREE DAYS IN A ROW! I mean, I've also had Ben & Jerry's three days in a row, but still. Balance in all things, right?
I've been trying really hard lately to do everything in balance. I take days off when I need to, I eat kind of whatever I feel like I need in that moment, and we plan our activities based on how we feel that day. I've always been the kind of person that plans things as much as I can, but since we lost Carter, I've gotten really good at flying by the seat of my pants. So much that it actually stresses me out to have to plan or commit to anything more than ten minutes in advance. It has been really nice to learn how to balance the have-to's with the want-to's, and I feel like it has been extremely beneficial in recovering. I've learned that it is important to care for yourself, because that will allow you to better care for those around you. Some nights we sit on the couch with a pint of ice cream and don't move, and other times we borrow the neighbors puppy and take her for a nice long walk/jog. It just depends on what I feel I need that day. The more we can keep our lives balanced, the more balance we feel internally.
That being said, what are some things you do to make time and care for yourself? I love a good movie or a nice long bath, but I'm always looking for new ways to unwind! Have a nice, balanced hump-day!
I have six other posts that have been drafted within the last week, all just waiting to be shared. I planned to post one of them today, but decided to write something else in hopes of cleansing my soul today. Turns out that I just have a lot feelings.
These last few weeks have been SUCKY. My emotions have been all over the board, I'm exhausted all the time, and social anxiety is at an all time high. There were a few days last week that were really good, and I have a feeling that things will start to look up again soon, but overall...wow. It has just been rough. Ever since the miscarriage, things have been exceptionally hard. I think I'm just starting to kind of consider the idea that Brandon and I may not be able to ever bring a baby home. Our history is evidence enough that it is a possibility. I know we could adopt, but adoption is expensive, so it's a little discouraging. Actually, a lot discouraging. I don't know. Anyway, that's where I'm at.
We've been spending a lot of time at home just the two of us this past month, and it has been really nice. We've gotten some projects done around the house, and have just been able to be together. This weekend though, I just kept thinking "this is the way it will be for the rest of our lives." And what if it is? What if we are never able to have another baby? What if I just keep getting pregnant and losing babies? How long will we hold out hope? What if we are hopeful until it's too late and then I'm too old? People keep saying that I'm young and have plenty of time, but the two years since we started trying for a baby have gone so fast that I'm afraid the next fifteen years will go even faster.
What if the backseat of our car stays empty forever? How long do we keep everything up in the nursery? If we move at some point in the future, do we set up the nursery in the new house? Do we donate some of the baby things to a family who needs them? How many more trips to Disney will we able to handle without kids? At what point do we donate all the diapers that are still in the top of the closet? How am I going to feel when January rolls around and I have to donate all our wipes because they'll expire before we can use them? When do I finally let go of all the hope that I'm holding onto?
I love Brandon, don't get me wrong. He is my everything, and if we had only each other for the rest of our lives, we would be happy. But we'd both feel a little empty too. We have so much love for each other that we are ready to shower it onto children. We want to watch them grow and explore the world. We want to put all our love and energy into raising children. People tell us that we'll get less sleep and that we'll have to vacation differently and that we'll be broke from paying for extracurricular activities but we don't care. We want those things. We want them so bad that it hurts. And it hurts even more that it has been dangled in front of us and ripped away three times now. Talk about getting your hopes up.
The next few months are going to be difficult. I have two sister-in-laws that will be having their babies, Carter's birthday is in two months, and then we roll right into the holidays. I knew that the holidays last year would be hard, but I thought this year would be easier. I know it's not quite time yet, but walking through the Christmas section at Hobby Lobby already makes me cry every single time because I'm just reminded how empty our house will be. No baby to snuggle by the tree, no carseat in the back while we drive around and look at lights. Just two empty stockings hanging between our own.
I'm ready for summer to be over. I'm ready for cold weather that drives people inside so that I don't have to pass happy moms and children at the park on my way home every day. Maybe the cold will keep pregnant ladies and newborn babies at home too. But I'm not looking forward to the change of seasons as much as I hoped to be this year. Honestly, the thing I'm looking forward to most (besides becoming an aunt, obviously) is being able to stay inside on crummy days and not feel bad about it.
This post probably sounds so morose, so sorry to add some weight to your Monday. It's just one of those days where I feel like acknowledging the pain. Any motivation, hope or just funny things would be appreciated.
Original post on Still Mothers.
So many people have told me “you’re so strong.” Sometimes I want to punch them, but most of the time I just shrug and tell them that I don’t have any other choice. My husband repeatedly tells me that I do, in fact, have a choice. I could choose to stay in bed all day, but I get up and go to work instead. I could choose to cry and be angry all day every day, but I choose to press forward and embrace any emotion I feel, including happiness. I could hate every other woman that announces her pregnancy, but instead I think about how lucky they are that they get to experience a part of life that I loved so much.
When discussing this with someone the other day, they responded, “You do have that choice, you’ll always have that choice, but you are not giving yourself that choice. That is not one of your options.” I had never thought it of it like that before.
There are many reasons I give as to why I don’t have the option to fall apart: I have a job, we have to take care of the cats, I have to put on a face for family…a lot of reasons that involve other people. But there are a few reasons that are just personal, and I’ve realized that I need to really take into stride just how strong I can be. Being angry and sad 100% of the time is exhausting. It’s draining, and (for me) causes more anger and sadness. I’m already tired enough, I don’t want to make it worse. And I’ve dealt with depression before; I remember how it feels. It’s a dark and lonely place that I don’t ever want to go back to. I allow myself to be sad, but I will not fall back into a pit of despair and hopelessness, no matter how much I miss my babies. As much as I want to fall apart some days, I recognize that it is not the best or healthiest way to cope (for me personally).
Of course, all these feelings, the desire to be angry and sad, are completely justified when you lose a child. You’re going to have bad days and you’re going to fall apart and that’s okay. Someone irreplaceable is missing, and there’s no way to bring them back. Crappy days are inevitable. Post-partum depression and depression from a loss are to be expected, and that’s okay too. It’s not easy, but with help, it can get better.
When you are having a bad day, and you wonder how much longer you can do this for, remember that you set your limitations for falling apart. Even on your worst day, you could always fall apart a little bit more. But at some point, we dry the tears, pick ourselves up, and keep on living in the name of our children. Even when we don’t want to, we choose to keep going. We are as strong as we choose to be, but we’re all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. So keep going, mama. Have bad days, have good days, but just keep going.
Like most of our other weekends in the past month, our anniversary weekend was super relaxing! Friday night, we had fun going back through pictures old pictures of us, then got Costa Vida for dinner and just hung out all night. We've been really into Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy lately (because we're 90), so once we laid down to watch those, the couch was basically our home for the night.
We slept in on Saturday, then went to lunch at our new favorite place, Village Baker. Brandon's parents and grandparents were in town for a reunion, and they all came over for a few hours that afternoon. Brandon's grandparents had never been to our house before, so it was fun to give them a quick tour and share the nursery and all our Carter things with them. We have a bear that weighs what Carter weighed when he was born, and we have molds of his little hands and feet. I love sharing these things with people, because I feel like it gives them more of an idea of what he was like physically. It was really special to have one set of Carter's great-grandparents hold him (in a sense).
That night we went out shopping for a few more things for the office, and ended up coming home with new Halloween decorations (Michael's is really convincing, okay?). We also found an ottoman for the office, so we didn't completely miss the mark on our shopping goal! We took the ottoman upstairs, then just lounged in the office for a while. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but we recently finished the office, and it feels so homey now! So we have fun just being in there and enjoying all the new things.
Sunday, our actual anniversary, was by far the best day of the whole weekend. We stopped at the store on our way out of town and picked up some mini-bouquets for the babies. We are constantly on the hunt for blue flowers, but rarely find any, so this time we snagged some blue ribbon to tie around the vase for Carter. Once we got to Logan, we went straight to the cemetery. I always feel such a rush of relief when we finally get to the grave. It was nice to visit with the babies again, even though it has only been two weeks since the last time we were up there. We cleaned up the grass and leaves around the headstone, cleaned off the actual headstone, and rearranged all the toys and goodies. Two more cars were missing, one from Brandon and one from his dad, so that was kind of sad. I really do know that other kids probably just picked them up (both times we've noticed a car missing, they had buried another baby, so it was probably a kid from another funeral service), and that's okay, but it still makes me sad! Brandon says that it's okay, because it gives him an excuse to buy more cars for Carter. And that's fine by me, because we sure do love spoiling our babies!
We stopped at Walmart really quick so I could buy a journal for a new loss family. Every time a baby is buried at the cemetery, I leave a journal and a note for the family with my contact info. I remember how alone we felt in the hospital, and I don't want anyone else to ever feel like that, so it's the least I can do to reach out and leave a little something. We went to the Crepery, stuffed our faces and finished the note, then went and picked up a gift from a sweet reader. I'll share that in it's own post, because it really is so special! Then we went on a tour of all the places in Logan that are special to us. We stopped by the movie theater where we met, the Costa Vida where we had our first date, Brandon's parents' house where we spent much of our time, campus, and both apartments that we lived in. At every stop, I asked Brandon what his favorite memory was there. It was really fun to look back on our almost seven years together, but it's crazy to think about how fast time is going!
As always, we went back to the cemetery before leaving town. I left the journal for the family, we chatted with the babies, took our picture, then said goodbye. Every time we leave, I almost wish we lived there, so we could go see them whenever we wanted. But we drove home, got Costa Vida (you can tell what kind of a week we've had by how many times we've had Costa), and spent more time at home thinking about our life and all the wonderful things we have together, specifically the babies. That night, we got ice cream and took it up to walk around our favorite little lake. We sat on the dock while the sun set behind us and talked about everything we're looking forward to in our years to come.
Brandon and I have so much fun traveling together, and we always try and do a vacation in the summer, but they generally never fall on our anniversary. We talked a lot this weekend about that, but I've decided that I'm almost happier just being home on the actual day, especially now that we've lost Carter and little bean. I love going new places with him, but being home with Brandon is my favorite place to be.
Hope everyone had a nice weekend!
I can't believe it has already been a year since the last anniversary post! Times flies when you're having fun. Or when you're losing your mind. Or both, really.
We did this last year, but let's talk for a second about all of the accomplishments we've had since we've been together: We've taken 17 vacations (that's three more than last year!), 16 jobs/positions (we added two this year), still have lived in three cities, owned two houses, and adopted two cats (though I wish it were more). Last year, we were ten weeks away from meeting our first baby. This year, we are about two and a half weeks past our third pregnancy that ended too soon. We've been blessed with our sweet Carter boy and little bean, and our family is now twice as big as it was at this time last year. We've spent more time in Logan in the past ten months than I ever thought we would, and we've had more sad conversations than I can count, but we've also been infinitely blessed.
This past year has been the hardest year of my life, but it has also been one of the best. This was the year we were given our children, and this was the year that I learned without a doubt that I married the very best man on the face of the earth. Probably in the whole universe, actually. Brandon gives the best pep talks, has the best shoulders to cry on, and tells the best (worst) jokes. He is extremely patient, kind, considerate, patient, selfless, patient, funny, encouraging...did I mention patient? He's my best friend, number one travel buddy, greatest support system, and my overall favorite person.
Seeing him hold Carter for the first time was my very favorite moment of our marriage, and I'm hopeful that year seven brings another opportunity to hold a child of our own. Losing our babies has been so hard for both of us, but there is no one I would rather do all of this with. All the cemetery trips, the stupid decisions, the grieving...I couldn't ask for anything more than everything Brandon does for me. He is the very best dad, and the world's best husband, and I'm so thankful for every minute of these six years we've had together.
Here's hoping year seven brings more laughter than tears. I sure do love you, b-rand. Thank you for everything you do.
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