Some new feelings.
Lately it has been hard to write one big cohesive post because there are so many things that are happening and so many emotions that I'm feeling. So this post is going to be written in lengthy bullet points so that I can separate my ideas. And when I say lengthy, I mean real lengthy. So, sorry.
This past week has been rough in a different way than the weeks prior have been. I wrote in a different post about how I don't want to let my experience affect my happiness for other people who are having babies right now, and I feel like I've done a pretty good job. I went and visited a friend at work so I could see pictures of his babies, and our close friends brought their new baby over a couple weeks ago. But in the past few days, I have had at least five facebook friends post pictures of their brand new babies while they are still in the hospital, and it is killing me. If you are one of these people are you are reading this post, please please please do not be offended by this little bullet. I am seriously so happy for all these people and their cute babes, but the jealousy is new. I just keep thinking "they are so lucky they get to take their baby home." Not even, "they are so lucky their baby is alive and healthy," but just that they get to take their babies home. I think a big part of it comes from the fact that I'm still just home by myself, jobless and babyless, and it feels confusing. My life isn't what is should be right now, and I'm jealous that all these other happy moms get to continue their lives as planned. To an extent, I think we all are thrown when our plans get messed up, and I still haven't quite figured out how to right what went wrong. Or maybe the fact that I can't fix it is what makes it so hard. I don't know if any of that made sense, it's just hard. For a long time, roughly five months or so, we would go sit in the nursery and get excited about what was to come. But now I just go sit in the nursery and feel confused. Like maybe I just over prepared on the off-chance that we got pregnant and we never did and now we just have all these baby things sitting lonely in a room. But then I remember the hollow, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and remember that I didn't just prepare because I'm neurotic, that we were really expecting this little life to come home with us. And then I get confused for a whole different reason, because I don't understand why we, of all the people in the whole world that become parents, including those who don't really deserve it, had our sweet boy taken from us.
Sorry that first bullet was a bummer.
I meant to write a really long post about how awesome my friends have been throughout this whole experience, but it got overtaken last Wednesday by a grief-induced post, so I'm going to do it now. When we were in Logan a few weekends ago, I was able to meet up with three of my friends for lunch. Two of them live in Salt Lake and we see each other frequently, but we only see the third a couple times a year, so it was really special. And it was even more special for me in the fact that I got to take them to see Carter. Each time Brandon and I have been to see Carter, it has always been a really somber experience. But that afternoon with my friends was different. We took up ornaments to decorate his little Christmas trees with, and even though it was really sad, we were also able to talk to him and celebrate him, and also laugh while my friends told him about life and how much they loved him. We took some pictures, and I didn't think twice about smiling. Even though it really sucks that we had to go to a cemetery for my friends to meet him, they still got to meet him and love him, and I know they always will love him. We each posted the same picture on instagram that night, but Alycia posted a caption that really speaks volumes for our friendship.
"My heart is so full. I have been thinking lately a lot about how much these girls and I have been through and supported each other through--4 weddings, the stress of school, broken hearts, depression, anxiety, ptsd, infertility, PPD, divorce, cancer of a parent, several moves, job changes, and now the loss of a child. Our friendship can be rainbows, butterflies, and dance parties at times, but it's also full of tears, late night talks, and shoulders to cry on. Today, it was leaning on one another and huddling around this grave as we loved on this perfect, sweet little boy. Thank you girls--your real, raw, and genuine friendship means the world to me."
I left Logan that night with my heart feeling so full, and feeling so genuinely grateful for these three. They were there just a few days after we lost Carter, and have been there for me whenever I need a girls night or just to talk. And it's not like they are only here now in the crappiest time of my life, but they are always there. l just don't think there are enough words to properly say how much I love and appreciate them. There's something special about real friendships that go through so much.
I'm still trying to figure out this whole filling time thing. I'm starting to get tired of sleeping until eight every morning (never in my life thought I would say that), but don't have enough things to do to keep me busy all day! I have this problem where when I get extremely bored I basically can't function. I don't really understand it, but I've always been that way. So when I get bored, I have just been watching tv, and that makes me more bored! It's a vicious cycle haha. But the weekdays have made me extremely grateful for the weekends when Brandon is home!
On that note, I have started editing my book again, for hopefully the last time. Over the summer I spent a few weeks writing to book agents hoping to get picked up, but didn't get any interest in my book. Then last week, Brandon found out that you can e-publish your books on Amazon for free! So I have decided to maybe do that, if I can be brave enough to hit submit. It's just sitting in my Google Docs metaphorically collecting dust, so I might as well do something with it!
Last thing, and sorry, it's kind of sad. The day we lost Carter, we had the nurse take a couple pictures of us as a family, and then someone came in to take pictures of him that night after we had left. After the shock of everything wore off, I started thinking about how we wouldn't have the opportunity for real family photos with him, not now, and not when we have a bigger family in the future. We have this big picture frame on the wall in our living room, and for so long I had been looking forward to taking out the picture of me and Brandon and putting in a picture of us with Carter. The photos of the three of us from the hospital aren't quite what I had wanted to put in there, and I didn't just want to put up one of our maternity pictures, so I contacted James Ruda Photography and had him take some new pictures of us. If you've read my other posts, you know that an airplane is our little symbol for Carter. We wanted to find an airplane to leave at his grave, and ended up finding a perfect one at Hobby Lobby. We bought one for him, one for the house, one for Brandon to take to work, and one for each of our parents. Some people who have lost children choose to hold a photo of their baby when having family pictures taken, but we have decided that this little airplane will represent Carter now, and in all of our family pictures to come.
