Eighteen Months

Eighteen months ago our lives changed forever.

Eighteen months ago we got to meet our sweet little boy. We got to hold his tiny body, kiss his sweet face, and just ogle over the perfect child we made together. It was the hardest, most beautiful day of my entire life. 

We've been talking a lot the last couple weeks about what life would be like if Carter were here. We'd have a little eighteen month old toddling around, on the brink of talking. We'd be moving him out of the nursery and into where our office is now, and trying to find him a big boy bed. It would probably take everything Brandon and I have to not buy him a race car bed or something awesome like that. We'd be talking to him about the little brother in mommy's belly, and we'd be pulling his old clothes back out to get ready for Hudson. We would have spent the last eighteen months spoiling and loving on him. Watching him grow. 

The last eighteen months have been so hard. So many beautiful things have come from all of our losses, but they are still so hard to understand and cope with sometimes. The months have been messy and muddled when they should have been spent taking care of Carter. Not from afar, like we've been doing, but right at home. There are so many things I wish were different. I wish we weren't so torn over changing up the nursery and packing away some clothes. I wish we didn't struggle to answer the question of how many children we have. I wish we were getting ready to watch our boys become best friends. I wish we didn't have to explain to Hudson why we go visit his brother and sister in the cemetery. I just wish we could have all our babies here. 

But we are still so grateful for everything Carter has brought into our lives. So many hard times, but so much love and beauty as well. We have spent a lot of time in the cemetery and even more time crying, but we have spent the most time loving our boy as much as we can. Happy eighteen months sweet Carter, we love you!