Capture Your Grief Day 12: A Day to Shine

October 12, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

I'm changing this one more to "a day to beam" because I think we deserve that, even in the midst of our grief. There have been days since losing Carter that have been ridiculously good. The day we found out we were pregnant with little bean, for example. Sometimes I have a good day and feel so incredibly guilty. Other times, on those good days, my heart is full and I...

Capture Your Grief Day 11: Life is Short

October 11, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

Oh how I could write a million page essay on why life is short. I have always been a big believer in treating oneself. Whether that is socially, mentally, physically, monetarily, food-wise, or other, I strongly believe in doing the things you want to. You want to eat the cake? Eat the dang cake. You want to move to Paris, just because? Do it? You don't like the negative impact someone is...

Capture Your Grief Day 10: A Space Re-Imagined

October 10, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

Putting together the nursery was so fun. We gave ourselves an unlimited budget, and made it a comfortable space where we'd want to spend time. As we were preparing for Carter, we did spend a lot of time in the nursery. We'd go in there to just hang out, or go in there to get things done, and it became very natural to spend much of our downtime in that space.

Capture Your Grief Day 9: Clear + Let Go

October 09, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

I kept writing and rewriting this post, and decided that I didn't want to share what I had planned for it. So instead of a post, here's a nice picture of the ocean instead. May it wash away your worries today.

Capture Your Grief Day 8: Sunday Tribe Circle

October 08, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

We have spent this weekend having some major bonding time with my family. Throughout this past year, I would say that we have seen either of our families at least twice a month. We have seen my family at least every six weeks, and Brandon's at least every three. It has been really nice, but there is something to be said about having down time at home with just us and the...

Capture Your Grief Day 6: Bella Luna

October 06, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

Last year, after we lost Carter, Brandon and I would go for drives a lot of the time. Sometimes it was in the afternoon, but a lot of times, it was at night. After a movie, before dinner, late at night when we should have been in bed....for some reason the drives just seemed to help. I remember we would just drive around, and if I asked strongly enough, I could feel Carter's

Capture Your Grief Day 5: Soul Therapy

October 05, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

Rather than go into detail about things I do for my "soul therapy," I'm just going to make a list. Please note: some of these things are not the healthiest things, and I am okay with that...

Capture Your Grief Day 4: Belonging

October 04, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

There are a million things I could write about pertaining to where I don't belong. I feel like, as we grow up, there are constantly new places we don't belong in, new groups of people we don't belong to, and just a general sense of wanting to belong that we are never able to satisfy. There is this new group I have become a part of, one that I very much belong to, that has, at...

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Meaningful Mantra

October 03, 2017 by Caitlin Robbins in Capture Your Grief

Brandon and I love the movie Meet the Robinsons. The whole time we have been married, we have always quoted it, saying "Keep Moving Foward," but have been using the phrase much more since we lost Carter. So much, in fact, that the sweetest soul offered to paint a little sign for us, and now our mantra greets us each time we enter and leave our home.

Loss of any kind is something that people do not just "move on" from. Not the loss of a parent, spouse, child, or unborn child. You don't move on. Moving on implies that you grieve for a bit, then get over it. It implies that the hurt goes away and that eventually, you forget about the lack of that person in your life. I can only speak for myself, but I know for a fact that I will never "move on" from losing Carter and Little Bean and our little five day baby. I will never "get over" these losses. Yes, some days it may hurt less, but the hurt will always be there.

We say "keep moving forward" because it reminds us to keep going. Even if we are moving forward at a grudgingly slow pace, we are still moving forward. There is a reason to wake up each day. There is a reason to keep living. Even if the sole reason is that the cats need fed or the grass needs watered. There is always a reason to keep moving forward. We will never move on, but we can keep going each day with our babies in our heart, and a little touch of motivation just within reach.