Another friend for Carter

in

This weekend was super nice, and very much needed after the busy month we've had so far. An hour after we got home from Boise last weekend, Brandon had to turn around and leave for Vegas for work. He got home Wednesday night and for the rest of the week/weekend we had really big plans to do absolutely nothing. Thursday afternoon we laid in bed and finished Big Little Lies (well, I finished it, Brandon napped). Friday was somehow relaxing and productive all at the same time. We got our Utah drivers licenses (which you're supposed to do before 60 days of living here but I feigned ignorance and held onto my Idaho license as long as I could!) and saw Spiderman that night. On the drive home from the movie, we saw a little rainbow in between the mountains on the east side of the valley. We ran home to grab our new camera, but by the time we got back outside, the rainbow had kind of started to spread and disappear, but we snapped a few pictures anyway. Then we drove back down the street to take some pictures of this lone sunflower on the side of the road. I know all this is kind of unnecessary to tell you, but having that time with Brandon to appreciate the little things made for a really nice evening!

It had been three weeks since the last time we were able to go see the babies, so we were pretty excited to get up to Logan on Saturday. We took them some Mickey-shaped crazy straws, a Disney keychain, and a little Hogwarts Express train. Brandon also bought them each a poker chip while he was in Vegas, so we left those too. When it comes to Disney, I almost feel like we spend more money on them than we would if they were there with us, and I love it. We bought them each a stuffed animal from Disney World too, but those are at home in the nursery. It was nice to spend some time at the cemetery, rearranging their toys, cleaning off the headstone, and giving them their new little trinkets. We took home the souvenirs from Amsterdam, and the Disney things will stay until our next trip (which, let's be honest, will probably be Disney again).

Brandon always makes an extra effort to pick up anything that has fallen over on any of the other headstones, and in doing so, we realized that there has been another little baby buried near Carter. When the first few babies after Carter was buried in front of him, we left each family a journal, and a note with our story and contact info on it. I leave the contact info, because I remember how alone we felt in the hospital, and I want to make sure these families have some sort of support, even if it's just a random stranger who knows some of what they are going through. There was one family I didn't leave a journal for, but we ended up meeting them at the cemetery on the day we spread Little Bean's ashes, and even though I am so grateful for the timing of it, have always felt bad that I didn't leave one for them. Brandon asked me on Saturday if I wanted to leave one for this new family, and at first I kind of declined. It had been a rough week, and I wasn't sure if I was up to writing our story down again, but in the end, I decided to do it, and am so glad I did.

The mom texted me last night, and my heart has been aching for her all day. Everyone's loss story is different, but it's hard not to feel at least some of what the parents are going through. I reach out to these women because I don't want them to think they are the only ones who have experienced a loss. I am so grateful to be in the company of strong parents that honor their children, and am so thankful for the support they have given Brandon and me, but most of the time I really wish we were the only ones. It breaks my heart to see and hear these other women suffering and feeling similar to how I felt. I know only a little of the pain, anger, and devastation they feel, and I wish I could take it from them. Losing a baby, especially so close to a due date, is not something I would wish on my very worst enemy. It is the only tremendous loss I know, but if losing Carter and now Little Bean could save everyone else from having to experience it, then I would gladly shoulder that burden.

It gives me a sense of peace to think about Carter and Little Bean, wherever they are, doing great things with other angel babies. I appreciate the parents who have unwillingly made this sacrifice since we lost Carter in October, but if the forces in the world care at all, I think Carter has enough friends for now.

I wrote a post a while back about how to help a grieving parent, and I would like to add to it here. If you know of someone who has experienced a loss, please let them know they aren't alone. I've had a few people tell me my blog has helped them, or that they planned to pass it along to someone they know. My blog is just one of so so many resources available to parents who have lost a child. There are blogs, support groups, counselors, websites, Facebook groups...so many resources for a part of life that we shouldn't be experiencing. Please pass them along.

 

Hi Little Bean: April 26, 2017

in

April 26, 2017

Hi little bean! I always want to call you little babe, but that’s what we called Carter, and I don’t think I can use that term with you. Sorry. Still love you, but sorry.

Today marks the end of the twelfth week of pregnancy! I still can’t believe it, and I kind of can’t believe that we are that far along either. It’s so crazy that essentially, we are already a third of the way through this pregnancy, since you’ll be joining us early. I know we’ve only known about you for seven weeks, but it has gone so fast. And really, we only have 3 ½ more seven week periods. It’s a weird way to think about things, but it works.

The past five days have been better than Tuesday last week, but still kind of hard. We went to Logan on Saturday and saw your brother, and I don’t think I’ve ever missed him as much as I did that day. I want to have two kids at home, I don’t even care if you two were both at home and barely a year apart, I want that. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Yesterday was kind of a crappy day, and I’m super ready for these hormones to level out. I had some pretty severe anxiety first thing in the morning, so I ended up staying home in my pj’s all day with your dad. It wasn’t anxiety about you, I know you are good and healthy, just general anxiety. It was pretty bad. So we stayed home and spent some quality time with you and Carter bear and the kitties, and each other. Your daddy is such a good man, I’m so happy you get to have him in your life.

We’re starting to get really excited to find out whether you are a little boy or girl! We’ll do the blood draw a week from today, and then find out your gender in three weeks. I don’t really have a distinct feeling right now, but with everything that happened after we lost Carter, I would like to say you are a girl. But again, I don’t really have a feeling one way or another, so I’m curious to see. I don’t know if I’ve written about it before, but I think I would prefer that you are a girl. Honestly, I will just be happy to bring you home no matter what you are, but it would be really nice to pack away the boy things for a while, and start kind of fresh. We’ll still use the crib and the dresser and the recliner regardless, but I’d like to get all new clothes, all new decorations, and not feel like I  have to use the boy things. Your dad says we can start completely over, get a new crib and everything, but I don’t want to just waste money. I know he’ll be okay doing whatever we need to do to make the process smoother though, which is so nice.

You have been considerably different than your brother so far, at least as far as I can remember. I haven’t been sleeping well, and never feel well-rested. But I also don’t feel as tired in the afternoons as I did with Carter. I actually don’t feel any more tired than usual, I just wish I could sleep better! The nausea has been different this round too. I get sick more in the afternoons from about 3 until 8, and food doesn’t really seem to help as much as it did before. My cravings have been way different. All I want is chocolate or bread (or both together, which is great). I don’t want to eat any fruit or anything sour or tart, it kills me. I had a lemonade from chick-fil-a on saturday and it about killed me. I also still like ice cream, which is extremely important. I remember last year when we went to Disneyland while I was pregnant with Carter, I barely wanted a Mickey ice cream then, which is a big deal! I want all the ice cream though. All the ice cream and all the brownies. And, I still want to eat Zupas. Last year I couldn’t eat it at all after I found I was pregnant, which is funny because that’s all I wanted to eat before we found out. One thing that is consistent though is spaghetti sauce. Love pizza, can’t stand spaghetti sauce. We made some tomato basil chicken thing in the crock pot last night, and I seriously almost threw up when dad was putting it in a container. He’s such a champion. Sometimes I feel like maybe he thinks I fake the sickness to get out of doing things, but he never complains. I really don’t just fake the sickness, but it’s still nice of him to not even think that. But basically anything I smell that is really strong makes me feel sick. The tomato sauce is just funny to me, because last year I couldn’t handle it either. I remember being at Olive Garden one time and just dying because the person next to us ordered something with tomato sauce. Too funny!

So with this testing that the doctor wants us to do, we will get a look at your chromosomes to make sure that they look good and normal too. Surprisingly, I’m not really worried about that. I probably shouldn’t get too confident about it, but I just feel like you are healthy and fine. And I’d like to think that we’ve suffered enough the past six months, so nothing more could happen, but I know that’s not true. Aside from the anxiety that I can’t control, I’m just trying to stay positive. It’s not hard, because I love knowing that you are in there, but I want to create the best environment for you. And I swear I’ll start eating more fruits and veggies….sometime.

We love you, and next time we see you, we might know what your gender is! Stay safe, little bean!

How far along? : TWELVE WEEKS!!!!
Baby is the size of: a plum!!
Total weight gain/loss: Mmmm...it’s like three or four pounds now haha. My pants are already starting to get tight.
Sleep: I feel like I’m sleeping hard, but I still wake up so exhausted. And I wake up a lot of times in the night to pee. So it’s not great, but I’m also not exhausted in the afternoons, which is super nice.
Best moment this week: It was definitely at the ultrasound last week, and then being able to tell our parents that we’ll find out the gender in just a few weeks! Also taking you to visit your brother. I can tell that you two have a strong connection, I can already feel his love for you.
Movement: It might have just been food, but I swear I was feeling a little fluttering last night.
Symptoms: nausea, fatigue
Food cravings: Nothing really. Almond milk has sounded really good, but I have yet to buy any. Maybe today.
Food aversions: Tomato sauce, as of yesterday. Looks like no spaghetti or lasagna for me. Again.
What I miss: Carter.
What I am looking forward to: getting my blood drawn next week, as strange as that sounds.

A quick weekend in Boise.

in

I had a whole nice post typed up, and then the page crashed and I'm too lazy to type it all again, so here's the quick version:

We went to Boise for the weekend and really had a great time! We went to a wedding for one of my cheer babies (really. I was getting so emotional seeing her all grown up, even though she's only a year younger than I am), drove by our old house (which we miss a ton, turns out), and went to a baby shower on Saturday. The guys went shooting while us girls went to the shower, but stopped by toward the end. We did a big family dinner that night with all 12 of us that were there (parents, me & Brandon, brothers & s.o.'s, grandma, aunt, cousin & her husband. Later that night we played Bean Bazzled, a risky jelly bean game where one color could have one of two flavors. Good flavors include lime, tutti frutti, pear, caramel corn, and others, while bad flavors were stinky socks, dog food, spoiled milk, rotten eggs, vomit, booger and a few others. It was the worst, but it was some good family bonding time! Then Brandon and I had even more bonding time when we were stuck on the freeway coming home on Sunday due to a rollover. But really I just wanted to share these pictures, because I'm feeling really grateful for my family, and also because they are a good looking bunch. You're welcome.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

And Brandon looking like a model while we wait for traffic to move.

 

To settle the confusion...

in

If you've been following the blog and are a little confused about anything, I'm here to clear it up for you. We found out we were pregnant with Little Bean on March 8th. That day, I started writing to her, and tried to write to her a couple times a week. We found out we had lost her on May 15th. I am not currently pregnant. The vacation that was referred to in yesterday's post was our trip to Amsterdam back in April.

I had planned to share all these bumpdates after we announced our pregnancy, and felt no reason not to share them after we lost her. I know a couple people have been confused, but we are not currently pregnant. Trust me, when we are, you will definitely know. This is just a short little post, but I wanted to catch everyone up. So to recap: the bumpdates and posts that keep coming are only about little bean and our pregnancy that ended May 15th. There are only five more weeks of journals to little bean that I will be publishing, so after that, maybe it won't be so confusing.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with us, and thank you for all the kind words you guys send!

Hi Little Bean: April 19 & 21, 2017

in

April 19, 2017

I wasn’t very good about writing to you while we were on vacation last week, and I’m so sorry about that! We had the best time on vacation, and I love knowing that you were right there with us! So you have officially been to three other countries, and I think that’s pretty dang cool.

Yesterday was a hard day. Monday night, I had a dream that I miscarried, and I couldn’t shake the thought of it all day. Then I found out that a lady I follow on instagram lost their baby six weeks into the pregnancy, and even though her pregnancy has nothing to do with ours, I turned into a big ball of anxiety. Our doctor isn’t in the office on Tuesdays, so I called the scheduling desk to see if there was any way we could go in for an ultrasound, and she couldn’t do it. I guess he has to order the ultrasound, and since he wasn’t there, he couldn’t. She understood that I was nervous, but she just kept telling me to relax, and that everything was going to be fine. And she might be right, but It’s not okay for people to say that. She has no idea that everything will be fine. Everything was supposed to be fine with Carter, and it wasn’t. She did her best to try and contact a nurse or someone that could order the ultrasound, and I appreciated that, but I didn’t like that she trivialized me being nervous.

One thing I want to talk to the doctor about today is having some sort of backup plan. Like, if something does happen on a day that he’s not in the office, what do I do? Who do I call, who do I see? And on a day they are in the office, if the nurse is too slow at responding, how else can I contact them to be seen? I feel like I’m turning into a crazy person, but I have way more anxiety than I thought I would. And at first, I thought it would go away or get better, but with each week that I know you’re in there, I get a little more attached, and that’s terrifying. I sure do love you, but you better be staying safe and healthy in there!

We will get another quick scan today before our appointment. I’m hoping they can get a better measurement, since you will be quite a bit bigger (and actually look like a baby, sorry). I have just decided to go with the first ultrasound, but I’m curious to see how you measure once they can actually measure you well. But I’m going with my gut and saying we are eleven weeks pregnant today. We love you, little babe. Be safe!

 How far along? : Eleven weeks because I’m in charge of my own destiny..
Baby is the size of: a lime! That’s like a real size!
Total weight gain/loss: I had gained two pounds when I checked on Monday, but it might still be the waffles
Sleep: not sleeping super well since we came back from vacation. I keep waking up too early!
Best moment this week: It will be at the ultrasound today.
Movement: none
Symptoms: nausea, fatigue
Food cravings: nothing super notable this week. English muffins and apple jacks have been my fave..
Food aversions: nothing really.
What I miss: having the naive pregnancy experience.
What I am looking forward to: the ultrasound/appointment this afternoon!.

 

April 21, 2017

Bean, bean bean!! I have so many good things to tell you right now. We had our appointment on Wednesday, and the doctor confirmed that you are indeed due on November 8th! He said the computer messed up and we really are eleven weeks this week. I’m so happy! A week from nowish, we will be a third of the way through this pregnancy, which is so crazy. I know we’ve only known about you for six weeks, but it will still be so nice to get out of the first trimester. He did another quick ultrasound on Wednesday too, and you are looking so good in there! Your heartbeat is strong, your fluids look good, and you actually look like a baby now!

I have to be honest with you, I think I’ve been trying really hard to not get attached to you. I didn’t get a super good look at you during the ultrasound, but I saw your little profile and your legs, and that wall I put up is crumbling so fast. I need you to make it here safely. We love you so much already.

Our doctor wants to do some genetic testing on you, just to make sure that everything looks good. Instead of doing an amniocentesis, now they can just draw my blood, put it in a centrifuge, and pull your dna from it. How cool is that? He said we can also find out your gender from that, and that we could do the blood draw starting at thirteen weeks. Your dad and I decided we would just do the blood draw at our next appointment in four weeks, but that we didn’t want to find out the gender until 17 weeks when we did the ultrasound. Then we went home, and I started thinking that maybe I do want to find out the gender from the test. Yesterday morning I texted a friend, and she said it took them about ten days to get their results back. So if we got the blood draw done at fifteen weeks, we still wouldn’t find out your gender until about 17 weeks. Because we saw you on the ultrasound, I got really impatient, so we decided to move the blood draw up, and find out your gender when we get the results back. We were planning to wait, just so it didn’t drag out the second half of the pregnancy, but I’m feeling ready to share you with the world, I just don’t want to do it without your gender. Also I’m getting sick of calling you “the baby” because I refuse to use the word it. I want to call you he or she!! Just a few more weeks.

This week has been super weird as far as sleep and eating go. I only sleep well between like, 6 pm and 2 am, which makes for really long days at work. And nothing sounds good to eat. I was starving Monday and Tuesday of this week, but the past couple days, I haven’t really wanted to eat anything. I need to do better about eating healthier when I do eat, but it’s so hard when literally nothing sounds good. The only thing that sounds remotely good this week is Zupas, but even then I only want a sandwich. No vegetables for me, please! Or fruit. Fruit is the worst. I try to tell myself that Costa Vida is healthy because of the lettuce, but even Costa doesn’t sound great right now. I promise I’m trying, for you!! Maybe I’ll go get a smoothie and some broccoli for lunch today. Because that sounds like fun...ha.

We love you little bean. Keep growing in there, I can’t wait until I can’t button up my pants anymore! Love you so much!

Hi Little Bean: April 7 & 14, 2017

in

Last week without a bump picture, I swear.

April 7, 2017

Hi babe! We are sitting in the airport waiting for our delayed flight to leave. I just wanted to tell you I love you, and that you better stay safe while we're gone. I love you very very much!
 

April 14, 2017

Hi bean! We are on our way from Luxembourg to Amsterdam, and have had the best time here! I wish you and Carter were actually just here with us to play in the tulip fields and see the castles, but I guess this is the best we can do!

Sleep has been hard to come by this week, so I'm sorry if you're worn out in there too. But you're continuing to make me feel sick sometimes, so I think you're doing pretty well in there. The nurse emailed me back finally and said we don't have to change my due date, but I still don't know if that means we are nine or ten weeks. I guess we'll find out more on Tuesday.

We love you, little bean. I can't wait to see you on Wednesday and get a definite idea of how far along we are. Love you so much!

 I’m adding a little to this now to talk about symptoms I had on vacation. I didn’t sleep very well, but I think part of it was because the time difference and the uncomfortable bed, but I woke up quite a few times feeling pretty sick. Which made sense, because of the time difference, but it also made me happy, because that meant you were still healthy and growing! I got the most sick I have ever been while we were on the train to Sloten. I actually cleaned out my purse and made dad hold my things just in case I needed to throw up in my purse haha. And then there were a couple times on the trains to Luxembourg and back to Amsterdam that I felt kind of sick, but nothing like that time in Sloten. I also got pretty nauseous on the flight home. We had some pretty bad turbulence at the beginning that made me sick, and it only went away temporarily when I drank ginger ale (for the first time!). Even sprite made me sick again. So needless to say, I was happy to be back on solid ground.

 How far along? : Ten weeks. I say ten weeks.
Baby is the size of: a strawberry!
Total weight gain/loss: probably a few pounds, but I think that's mostly the waffles
Sleep: give me all the sleep
Best moment this week: all of vacation, but probably getting super sick on the train, I know you're healthy
Movement: none
Symptoms: nausea, food cravings
Food cravings: Sweets, creamy Italian noodles, but not Alfredo.
Food aversions: anything not chocolate, bread, or noodles
What I miss: Carter, and not feeling my stomach bulging out everywhere.
What I am looking forward to: Next ultrasound so we can find out exactly how far along we are.

Thinking about Carter & a visit from my parents.

in

This weekend was definitely a good one. My parents got to our house around six on Friday, and after catching up for a bit, we went to Godfather's for dinner. My dad used to work at Godfather's in Idaho Falls when he was younger, and has always loved their pizza, so I'm pretty sure we'll end up there whenever they are in town. And it's so good! After dinner, we wandered around The Container Store to make a little room in our stomach for dessert. The Container Store though...seriously I could buy almost everything in that place. It makes my organization senses tingle and I love it. We went to The Baked Bear for dessert, and Brandon let me choose our combination which meant dark chocolate ice cream and sprinkles!! It was a very good day.

Saturday morning we woke up and drove around to look at cars and houses. We weren't really shopping, but it's just fun to look. We wandered through a few model homes and dreamed of what life could be like. That afternoon, the guys went to the shooting range, and mom and I went to get pedicures. One of the ladies at the salon commented on how tall we are, then asked if I'm going to grow much more. I said I hope not, and then she asked if I was 15 or 16. What?! I wasn't offended, but honestly. I've had two babies, when am I going to start looking my age??? After pedicures/shooting, we went to see The Book of Henry. It was not at all what I was expecting, but it was so good!!! I definitely recommend it.

After a little breakfast on Sunday, we all drove up to Logan. My parents don't get to see the kids very often since Logan is so far from Boise, and kind of out of the way to/from Salt Lake, but I love that they never hesitate to say yes when I ask if they want to go. Brandon and I would have gone up later anyway, but it was nice to be there with my parents. We got to the cemetery and cleaned off the headstone, pulled the weeds around it, and left the babes a little 4th of July decoration. And when I say little, I mean big. Brandon's goal was to get the biggest American flag pinwheel he could find, and I think he did a pretty good job! We said goodbye to my parents at the cemetery, spent a little more time with the babies, then came home and had a relaxing night! We ate ice cream, and ended the weekend with a sunset walk at the lake in Daybreak.

I thought about Carter a lot this weekend, more than usual. On our way to Logan, I was thinking about the day of his service. I started to think that that day seemed like a blur, but that is actually the opposite of true. I remember that day so vividly, with the exception of getting to the cemetery, I don't really remember that. But I do remember how all the family that could be there was, and I remember the abundance of love I felt filling the cemetery that day. I remember going to the luncheon after and being able to share pictures and show off our sweet boy. And I remember going to dinner that night with everyone and wondering how on earth I could laugh when I felt so empty. When the table was minus one tiny person.

I also thought about our delivery, which is something I don't actually let myself think about that often. I am okay to think about being in the hospital, and the process of labor and prepping for delivery and everything after he was born, but it hurts my heart to think about actually delivering my boy. It was such an easy delivery, just a few pushes and there he was. They laid him on my chest, Brandon got to cut the cord, and just like that, we were parents. I was so afraid to touch him, because he was wet and delicate and beautiful. I didn't want to hurt him by cleaning him off, so I let the nurse rub some of the fluid off him while I just kind of laid there and stared at him. It made me feel like a terrible mom. I think about that a lot. There are so many things I regret not doing, and it's really hard not to be mad at myself. I wish I would have bathed him, dressed him, held him for so much longer. But his skin was so fragile...I don't know. I realize this last section doesn't really flow with everything else, but this was all on my mind this weekend. I don't know. I miss my babies.

Working out post-baby(ies).

in

After we lost Carter, I had to wait a little while before I started working out again. Between the physical pain, thyroid problems, and the emotional pain, I just was in no shape to start working out right away. Toward the end of December, we got gym memberships, and it helped me in so many ways. It gave me a place to work out my anger, and it allowed me to feel accomplished at just one thing in my life, since I wasn't working, and I wasn't being a mother in the traditional sense. And even once I started working, I still pushed myself and Brandon to go, because I could feel that it was helping me emotionally too.

When we found out I was pregnant, I  made a really good effort to go to the gym for the first few weeks. I'd walk on the treadmill (hats off to pregnant ladies who run, that crap's hard) and do a few of the machines with just light weight. Surprisingly, I found that I really missed working out hard. It felt pretty pointless to lift ten to fifteen pounds, even though I wasn't lifting much more than that before. But still, we went. It helped that I wasn't super tired, so napping after work didn't become the priority. And then we went to Amsterdam. I don't know if it was the eight miles a day we walked, or the fact that I was more pregnant, but we came back and I didn't want to do anything. In the month after we got back from Amsterdam, we went to the gym once. That's a ten dollar workout! The day after I went to the ER, I stopped at the gym on my way home from a doctor's appointment, and was going to cancel our memberships, but they're being tricky when they tell you that you have to go in to cancel. It makes you not want to cancel! I called Brandon, and he said we should give it one more month and see how we do, so that's what we did.

Having a gym membership after losing little bean has been so nice. I couldn't work out for the first two weeks after, then just started off slow, but again, it gives me a place to work off any anxiety or sadness or anger I have. It also gives me time to think and not have to talk to anyone (which really isn't that different from the rest of my day but oh well), so I just zone out and stay in my own little world for an hour. Unless Fixer Upper is on the tv, then I focus on that haha. We've been going for a few weeks now, and go often enough that I actually felt like we needed to buy ourselves some new workout clothes. I found these little green pants at Target, and I'm in love with them. They are comfy, breathable, and so cute! Seriously, I bought them two weeks ago and waited until a day that I felt pretty and knew we would be at the gym for more than thirty minutes to wear them. So pardon the photo shoot, but I was really feeling myself that night. 

Realistically, I only work out so I can eat more ice cream, but I've been pretty serious about working out consistently since we lost our little bean. Up until a week and a half ago, I felt like I still looked pregnant, and even though that's normal for three weeks post pregnancy, it was just another solid reminder that there wasn't actually a baby in there. I've found a few good at-home workouts that I feel have helped tighten up my belly, I'll post them sometime. If any of you momma's have workouts you swear by, let me know!!

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Father's Day weekend.

in

This past weekend was one of like three weekends this summer where we didn't have any major plans, and it was so nice! Friday night, we went on a bike ride, then got sno cones after. We got bikes last summer and weren't able to ride them very much since I was pregnant (and we were gone most of the summer anyway), so it has been nice to use them a bit more this year. Saturday morning we slept in, then drove up to Logan to put everything back on Carter's headstone. We hung out with the babies for a bit, then went to Summerfest and wandered around all the booths after getting some lunch. 

Yesterday we (okay, mostly me) slept in again; I was having some intense allergies that I'm assuming were from the bike ride Friday night, and I could not bring myself to get out of bed. Thankfully, Brandon was super patient, and laid with me until I was finally ready to get up. We went to Cabela's, then to Walmart, then went back home to just hang out, and ended up taking a two hour nap on the couch. It was glorious.

Overall, it was a very chill Father's Day. I felt bad not doing anything extravagant, but just like Mother's Day, it was not at all how we anticipated spending our first Father's day after the birth of our baby. Babies. It felt right to acknowledge the day, but thinking about celebrating it kind of hurt. I gave Brandon a little shoutout yesterday, but I have to put in a big plug for him here:

I got extremely lucky that Brandon chose me to be his wife, but our kids are even luckier that he is their dad. He does everything he can to keep their memories alive every single day, whether that is just thinking about them, talking about them, or buying something that will make us think about them every time we look at it. He puts so much effort into caring for them the best he can, even if that just means cleaning off the headstone and rearranging all of Carter's cars. He always makes sure the solar lights are still working, and in the winter, he carefully scraped off the snow and ice so that Carter's name was showing. He does whatever he can to make it known that we do have children. After we found out we were pregnant again, we got asked so many times if little bean was our first. It was the scariest question to be asked, but every single time he would respond proudly that it was our second. 

I've watched Brandon be a cat-dad for almost six years now, and I knew for a long time before we got pregnant that he would be an amazing dad. He denies that he loves the cats, but he totally does. You can see it when he talks to them, when he cuddles with them, and when he plays with them. It almost hurts to watch him interact with the cats now, because I know what it would be like to watch him with our babies. I can't wait for the day that I get to watch him interact with a child at home. 

Brandon is the strongest, kindest, sweetest, and caring man I've ever known, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He's given me so many things in our almost six years of marriage, but our children easily come in at the top of the list. He is a father in the most difficult, non-traditional way, and to me that means he is the best dad of all.  Happy Father's Day B-rand. Thank you for loving our babies, fur-babies, and me. We love you!