Last Friday morning, I was finally able to talk with the people that will be supplying the CuddleCot. They are located in Florida, and have been without internet for a while due to the hurricane. But we finally connected, and the ball is rolling, people!! We have paid for the CuddleCot, and the order was placed yesterday! Generally, the cots take about two weeks to...
Read MoreRather than go into detail about things I do for my "soul therapy," I'm just going to make a list. Please note: some of these things are not the healthiest things, and I am okay with that...
Read MoreThere are a million things I could write about pertaining to where I don't belong. I feel like, as we grow up, there are constantly new places we don't belong in, new groups of people we don't belong to, and just a general sense of wanting to belong that we are never able to satisfy. There is this new group I have become a part of, one that I very much belong to, that has, at...
Read MoreThis past weekend was a nice one! Friday night we watched Utah State beat BYU, then Saturday we drove up to Logan to see the babies and go to a baby shower. The colors in Sardine Canyon were so pretty! On the drive home, Brandon mentioned a drive called the Alpine Loop that he had heard about. We did that on Sunday and it made Sardine Canyon look...
Read MoreBrandon and I love the movie Meet the Robinsons. The whole time we have been married, we have always quoted it, saying "Keep Moving Foward," but have been using the phrase much more since we lost Carter. So much, in fact, that the sweetest soul offered to paint a little sign for us, and now our mantra greets us each time we enter and leave our home.
Loss of any kind is something that people do not just "move on" from. Not the loss of a parent, spouse, child, or unborn child. You don't move on. Moving on implies that you grieve for a bit, then get over it. It implies that the hurt goes away and that eventually, you forget about the lack of that person in your life. I can only speak for myself, but I know for a fact that I will never "move on" from losing Carter and Little Bean and our little five day baby. I will never "get over" these losses. Yes, some days it may hurt less, but the hurt will always be there.
We say "keep moving forward" because it reminds us to keep going. Even if we are moving forward at a grudgingly slow pace, we are still moving forward. There is a reason to wake up each day. There is a reason to keep living. Even if the sole reason is that the cats need fed or the grass needs watered. There is always a reason to keep moving forward. We will never move on, but we can keep going each day with our babies in our heart, and a little touch of motivation just within reach.
Shout out to Julie for making this sign for us! You are the best, Julie!!
Exciting news!!! We are almost 1/3 of the way to being able to donate a second CuddleCot!! You guys were so awesome, and helped us reach our first goal in under a week. As you may know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. To do our part in raising awareness, we are hoping to raise enough money for the second CuddleCot by the end of the month. To help us achieve that goal, (and this is the exciting part) we have ordered some new products! We have Origami Paper Airplane Necklaces, and if you aren't a necklace person, Paper Airplane Bracelets! Each piece comes in gold or silver, and are $15.00. We only have thirty of each in stock (of course, we'll order more when we run out) so order yours now ! Click here to shop!
We will be getting one more item in very soon! This one is my personal favorite, so I can't wait to share it with you guys!
Thank you again for all your support so far. We appreciate all the donations and purchases that have been made so far. If you are unable to donate or buy a necklace, then thank you for spreading the word! Awareness of our cause is payment enough. Thank you again!
Before Brandon and I lost Carter, we talked at length about things we could do to keep postpartum depression to a minimum. After we lost him, we had another conversation about how we needed to do the things we had planned to do, even though we really didn't want to. The most important of those things was to open the blinds every morning. I know how much the weather affects me, and knew that seeing the sun each day would help keep my mood up, even just a little bit.
It was hard to be grateful for each day when all I wanted was my baby. Some days I would look outside and just be so angry at everyone that was going about their day like everything was normal. Didn't they know we were grieving? Couldn't they tell how much we were hurting? Most days, I wanted the sun to go away. I wanted it to be cloudy and dreary. I wanted the weather to give me permission to be depressed. Some days it did, because we were rolling right into fall and winter. The days I could shower and put sweats right back on without feeling bad about it were the best. The sun hid behind the clouds and said "it's okay, today can suck" and I sat my butt on the couch for the whole day, intermittently crying and feeling okay.
No matter the weather, we always opened the blinds. We still do, even on days that I stay home from work. Some days we're up before the sun, and other days we are hours behind, but either way, the blinds get opened, and the light pours in.
Even though there are many days that I wish the sun would hide behind the clouds, I know how important the sunrise is each day. Every sunrise is a marker of another day that we are alive. Another day that we have survived our grief. Another day that we are stronger than our pain and continue to move forward. Another day that we grow stronger as a couple and family. Another day that we get to love our babies.
I don't always love the sun, but I appreciate that, each morning, it greets me with its warmth, and lets me know that I have made it another day.
It's very obvious that our life is sort of torn in two 100% of the time. It is very easy to be both sad and okay at the same time, but I don't think that is something that everyone understands. Lately, I've been feeling like this blog is very polarized. Some days I talk about my grief, and other days I'm talking happily about Disney. A few months ago, Brandon suggested starting a different blog solely for the heavier posts, and I was really adamant that I didn't want to separate them. Grief is a big part of our lives, and I almost feel like it would be a disservice to ourselves to try and hide it, or give it a more "appropriate" place. I can tell you for a fact that grief has literally zero understanding of "appropriate" when it comes to timing or placement.
I started Freckle Eye Fancy with the intentions of having it be a lifestyle blog. In our lives, lifestyle includes food, travel, home decor, daily life, and essentially whatever else I feel like talking about. Some day I hope to be able to write about the children we have at home. But our current lifestyle also includes grief. While Carter and Little Bean would absolutely be mentioned on here, breaking off with a different blog would mean that Freckle Eye Fancy becomes a lighter representation of our every day life.
Some people are here for the grief, and some people probably get tired of it. I want your opinion on what you think would be best for the blog, and then get ready to see some changes. What do you want to see from me/us? Thank you in advance!