A year ago today.
I feel like my life is constantly being measured in weeks, months and years right now. It has been 21 weeks since we lost Carter, almost five months, and I still hate that we have something so finite to define every single week and month for the rest of our lives. I know that at some point, we'll stop measuring the loss in weeks, and then eventually, we'll stop measuring it in months too, but it is what it is for now.
I have mentioned it before, but March is a big month for us in terms of anniversaries. I'm a big dates person anyway, I love remembering things that happened on certain days years ago, but losing Carter has made me even more like that. I want to remember everything! March 7th was the day we found out we were pregnant with him, and March 24th, today, is the day we told my family we were expecting. It's a bittersweet day, of course. I'm so sad he's not here, but I still look back on that day with joy.
We flew to Anaheim to meet my family for Spring Break, which also just happens to be a big birthday week for us too. My mom's birthday is the 23rd, grandma's is the 24th, and my baby brother's is the 25th. We flew in on the 23rd, and it was so hard not to just say "happy birthday mom, you're a grandma," but somehow I was strong! The next morning, we headed to Disneyland, and I kept it a secret the whole walk in. Brandon and I thought it would be fun to get pins for everyone, since we had the birthdays and a recent engagement to celebrate. The three oldies got their birthday pins, Anthony and Dani got their engagement pin, and the other four of us got "just celebrating" pins. We got out of Town Hall, and I asked Brandon if he would run back in to see if they had a Diamond Celebration pin. He took our pins with him, and had them write "Baby #1" underneath the "just celebrating." We put on our pins and waited for my parents and grandma to notice. It was the longest ten seconds of my life, and honestly, my heart is pounding right now just thinking about it. I was so excited to tell them!
Of course, my mom cried, which made me cry, and we all just stood around laughing and hugging for a few minutes. Adrian was so excited, and just kept high-fiving me until I finally said "if you want to give me a hug, just do it."
Today is one of the days that I kind of just want to get through. I'm not stuck, and honestly today has been a really good day so far, but if I really think about it, it just makes me miss him. All I wanted to eat during that time of my pregnancy was peanut butter and cereal. My shorts felt a little tight (though probably just due to winter), and I just remember being the happiest person at the happiest place on earth with a tiny little nugget in my belly.
Even though it is kind of sad to think about these memories and know that he's not here, I wouldn't trade them for anything! I love our little guy so much, and am happy that this day, on top of the special birthdays today, has so much meaning for Brandon and me.
